I haven't written in a while. Part of that has been due to the busy holiday season, and part of it has been due to an internal struggle with having an actual "blog", and writing about intricate details pertaining to my life. While a lot of it is entertaining...certainly, some of it can be disheartening, and even hurtful to those that I don't actually mean to hurt. With that said, the underlying truth is that I have daily topics that run through my head that scream "that would make a great blog!". So, here I am, returning to what helps shine a light into my personal life.
The whirlwind internet dating is over. I will take a much needed break, and when I'm feeling JUST empty enough inside again, I will probably sign my soul over, and give it another attempt. It wasn't successful for me at all- but, I can say that I did make 1 long lasting friendship out of it, which is enough for me.
I did attempt to date a 48 year old Greek guy (whom I met at church), but it was a COMPLETE disaster, and partially made me hate myself for ending it by being such a mean bitch. He and I were night and day...I don't know what I was thinking....it had to be his Greek genes that kept me intrigued for a full month- and seeing him slave over the gyro grill at the Greek Festival certainly didn't hurt, but it ended quickly after he served me lentil soup and salad for dinner one night (ahem, a GERIATRIC dinner!). He was EXTREMELY religious, which at first I found sexy, but I think the final straw for him was learning that I would (gasp!) share a room with guys that are friends on an upcoming vacation. It's funny to me now though....God, I'm an idiot for idiot men!
I have recently been having strange dreams...and men from my past, whom I will never talk with again, have been popping up. No matter how bad they were to me, I always end up with underlying guilt that we're not "cool" with each other. There are very few of those men in my life...and if we're not on speaking terms it's for good reason, but still- it does bother me deep down and has been making random appearances in my dreams. That is definitely a guilty trait that I inherited from my mother. My mom would feel guilty if someone else chopped off HER arm.
2010 is coming to an end, and I am ready to say "sianara, sucka!" I will be lucky enough to ring in the New Year with some girlfriends in New Orleans, LA. I wish everyone the best for 2011! May the New Year bring you much happiness, lots of love, and a fresh wardrobe complete with Manolo Blahniks.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Change of Heart
It was a Friday morning, and I could think of a million places I would rather be than right where I was at that moment. I was sitting in a Project Costing session, learning all about how to work with our finance team and a new version of our budgets. It was being held in a small room in the building's basement, big enough to hold around 50 people seated at tables, and illuminated by flourescent lights. The overhead made a constant, dull, murmur that was just loud enough for my mind to escape and let my thoughts wonder for a bit.
The first logical thought was, "are my peers really into what our speakers are telling us?!" I mean, come on...it's Friday, and we're learning about BUDGETS? No one in their right mind holds a meeting on Friday in our company, because most people check out Thursday afternoon, and return with a half-way lucid thought process Tuesday morning. Fridays are reserved for the mundane paperwork that each person dreads doing throughout their typical work week, but can do with their eyes closed. I am definitely one of those people.
As I felt my eyes get heavy, and my internal energy switch to its lowest gear, I quietly allowed myself to wonder into a "closed" place in my heart. A place where love once roamed freely and a place where pain was short lived. A place where happiness abound, and grossly outweighed sadness. I thought back to falling in love and how wonderful that feeling was. I remembered the days when bitterness was something I could only label on divorcees and not come close to understanding the term on my own. I remembered how easy it was. How sporadic, and how momentarily lovely it all was. At one time, love flowed freely through my heart, body, and soul, and invigorated all aspects of my life. It was in that instant, in the small, basement room with fluorescent lighting, that I decided I could...no, I WANTED to love again.
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love." ~Mother Teresa
The first logical thought was, "are my peers really into what our speakers are telling us?!" I mean, come on...it's Friday, and we're learning about BUDGETS? No one in their right mind holds a meeting on Friday in our company, because most people check out Thursday afternoon, and return with a half-way lucid thought process Tuesday morning. Fridays are reserved for the mundane paperwork that each person dreads doing throughout their typical work week, but can do with their eyes closed. I am definitely one of those people.
As I felt my eyes get heavy, and my internal energy switch to its lowest gear, I quietly allowed myself to wonder into a "closed" place in my heart. A place where love once roamed freely and a place where pain was short lived. A place where happiness abound, and grossly outweighed sadness. I thought back to falling in love and how wonderful that feeling was. I remembered the days when bitterness was something I could only label on divorcees and not come close to understanding the term on my own. I remembered how easy it was. How sporadic, and how momentarily lovely it all was. At one time, love flowed freely through my heart, body, and soul, and invigorated all aspects of my life. It was in that instant, in the small, basement room with fluorescent lighting, that I decided I could...no, I WANTED to love again.
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love." ~Mother Teresa
Friday, November 5, 2010
Vanilla Bean
There are, I believe, 2 types of people in this world.
There are people who appreciate a variety when it comes to food, and then you have people who prefer consistency when it comes to food.
I, obviously, fall into the first category. I know that even as a child I loved trying new restaurants, new dishes, and always had a desire to please my taste buds in a way that only a new, exotic taste would fulfill.
Over my (almost) 27 years here on earth, I have met a wide variety of people. Many of these people fall into the same category as me- enjoying new savory and mouthwatering adventures with their taste buds. I have also been surprised by the amount of people that I have come across who want absolutely nothing to do with my adventures into Indian, Japanese, or Vietnamese food. I use to regard these people as quite difficult, and rather annoying. I even coined the nickname "Vanilla Bean" for a dear friend, who simply wants nothing to do with trying new foods. For many years I have been perplexed at the unwillingness of some people to just TRY something new. I was married to someone with the "Vanilla Bean" mentality, which completely drove me insane! We would go to dinner, and there I would be- almost having an orgasm over a chocolate fondue with caramel (no nuts), and he would barely pick at the food, looking rather uninterested, which would always end with me being disappointed that I could not share one of the things that I am most passionate about with the person that I most loved.
To be honest, picky people tend to annoy the shit out of me. However, I have many friends who profess the "Vanilla Bean" mentality, and recently, I happened upon a discussion regarding this very topic with one of them. I met this guy through one of my recent dating escapades, and although I found myself wildly attracted to him, I ended up talking myself down from the ledge when I found out that he eats the same. thing. every. day.
*Bummer*
He tends to find it hilarious that I freak out over his eating habits, so he will occasionally indulge some of his recent menu information to me. The most recent was 37 continual lunch trips to the exact same restaurant, ordering the exact same meal- with variety being thrown in on Fridays (ordering a different type of meat on the same sandwich).
What
the
fuck?!
I almost literally had a meltdown for this poor guy, but when we got to talking about it, a light bulb went off in my head.
*This guy CRAVES consistency*
I don't know his entire life story, but what I do know about him, makes sense why he is this way. Many of the picky eaters in my life have had one, two, or several traumatizing events in their lives. I also think that in some particular cases, picky eaters have emerged due to the attention that they received in their early years of pickiness.
I will also mention, that picky eaters are also some of the most loyal and best friends I could ask for. Most likely due to the fact that they find the things in life that they love, and stick with it- religiously.
In my case, I love variety. I usually embrace change, and I have no problem welcoming new and improved things into my life. This is fun when it comes to food, however, can be damaging when it comes to relationships. I'm always looking for something better....scouring the earth for the thing that looks, tastes, and feels the best. The here and now isn't good enough, and so I continue on a search for the best. My very loved picky eaters, tend to find themselves more content in the here and the now, and don't worry so much about what they might have missed out on, or what new things may come their way.
In this recent discovery, I have a new appreciation for my "vanilla beans". They are a constant light in my life, and I wouldn't change them for the world.
I hope to be just as good of a friend to them and not portray the fickle side of me that so often wants to make an appearance.
Now, on to my curry dinner! :)
There are people who appreciate a variety when it comes to food, and then you have people who prefer consistency when it comes to food.
I, obviously, fall into the first category. I know that even as a child I loved trying new restaurants, new dishes, and always had a desire to please my taste buds in a way that only a new, exotic taste would fulfill.
Over my (almost) 27 years here on earth, I have met a wide variety of people. Many of these people fall into the same category as me- enjoying new savory and mouthwatering adventures with their taste buds. I have also been surprised by the amount of people that I have come across who want absolutely nothing to do with my adventures into Indian, Japanese, or Vietnamese food. I use to regard these people as quite difficult, and rather annoying. I even coined the nickname "Vanilla Bean" for a dear friend, who simply wants nothing to do with trying new foods. For many years I have been perplexed at the unwillingness of some people to just TRY something new. I was married to someone with the "Vanilla Bean" mentality, which completely drove me insane! We would go to dinner, and there I would be- almost having an orgasm over a chocolate fondue with caramel (no nuts), and he would barely pick at the food, looking rather uninterested, which would always end with me being disappointed that I could not share one of the things that I am most passionate about with the person that I most loved.
To be honest, picky people tend to annoy the shit out of me. However, I have many friends who profess the "Vanilla Bean" mentality, and recently, I happened upon a discussion regarding this very topic with one of them. I met this guy through one of my recent dating escapades, and although I found myself wildly attracted to him, I ended up talking myself down from the ledge when I found out that he eats the same. thing. every. day.
*Bummer*
He tends to find it hilarious that I freak out over his eating habits, so he will occasionally indulge some of his recent menu information to me. The most recent was 37 continual lunch trips to the exact same restaurant, ordering the exact same meal- with variety being thrown in on Fridays (ordering a different type of meat on the same sandwich).
What
the
fuck?!
I almost literally had a meltdown for this poor guy, but when we got to talking about it, a light bulb went off in my head.
*This guy CRAVES consistency*
I don't know his entire life story, but what I do know about him, makes sense why he is this way. Many of the picky eaters in my life have had one, two, or several traumatizing events in their lives. I also think that in some particular cases, picky eaters have emerged due to the attention that they received in their early years of pickiness.
I will also mention, that picky eaters are also some of the most loyal and best friends I could ask for. Most likely due to the fact that they find the things in life that they love, and stick with it- religiously.
In my case, I love variety. I usually embrace change, and I have no problem welcoming new and improved things into my life. This is fun when it comes to food, however, can be damaging when it comes to relationships. I'm always looking for something better....scouring the earth for the thing that looks, tastes, and feels the best. The here and now isn't good enough, and so I continue on a search for the best. My very loved picky eaters, tend to find themselves more content in the here and the now, and don't worry so much about what they might have missed out on, or what new things may come their way.
In this recent discovery, I have a new appreciation for my "vanilla beans". They are a constant light in my life, and I wouldn't change them for the world.
I hope to be just as good of a friend to them and not portray the fickle side of me that so often wants to make an appearance.
Now, on to my curry dinner! :)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Venus and Mars
I love the feeling that I get when listening to The Beatles.
It's a feeling that brings about my youth, my father, and an overall contentment with life that has been relatively distant these days. I've had a hard time writing at all, because I've felt so negative, but when I listen to John, Paul, George, and Ringo- suddenly, "All the Lonely People" put me at ease. I have had a string of bad luck events lately, and I am down and out on this whole dating scene....it's not my thing, and no one wants to "Hold My Hand" or just "Let It Be". I'm so over it. I didn't think it would be this hard! The online dating thing has severely wounded my self-confidence. I know it works for some people, but it's just too strange for me. I tend to fall in love with my best friend....and these internet guys have no history in my life. I don't know if I can trust them, if I want to trust them, or if it's worth my time to invest in someone that's just-nice-enough-but-not-quite-cute-enough-and-doesn't-have-a-job-and-is-25-years-my-senior. **Dear God, please make me stop freaking out about my 27th birthday approaching, and I'm still single and childless.**
I wish we all lived in a "Yellow Submarine". That sounds like a nice place. It's similar to when I get mad, or fed up with the American way of life and I say, "Screw this shit hole, I'm moving to Greece!" But then, I'm quickly reminded that Greece isn't really up to speed on technology, or ice cubes, or air conditioning....HOWEVER, they don't work like slaves, they have AMAZING food, and who couldn't be happy just sitting around looking at what engulfs them?! Greece is a beautiful country, but they are suffering greatly right now. I pray many times that they won't have to sell their debt to a place like China....*sigh*...
Now, before I go getting all political on you....rest assured, it's a "Good Day, Sunshine".
On a much more personal note, I am having issues with sleeping. My sleep is constantly interrupted by some strong brute-which whom, by the way, I'm having sex with! It's great, because in your dreams there is no reason to worry about such debauchery! This man seems to be of Swedish decent, he's a body builder, and he has tattoos....it's everything that I've never had, and I don't get where this *man* has come from, but I'm starting to believe in invisible (boy)friends...he "Don't Let Me Down", which is in and of itself a pretty fantastic feat- EVEN IF he IS made up! After describing this to my best friend and therapist, she told me that our dreams are usually fragments from our day that form into a deep rooted thought. Soooooooo, in other words, I pretty much sit around and think about porking all day long, while it’s not happening for me, and everyone around me IS porking- so I just get to dream about porking with some fictional douchebag, probably named “Ty”. Meanwhile, I am feeling like Tiger Woods on a bad ecstasy trip locked away in a monastery.
Speaking of monastery….
Today my priest spoke of "being a farmer of your own heart". I thought it was interesting- especially considering how much my heart has hurt lately. What he said was so right...couldn't be more right. We have to work on our hearts- much like a crop. Pull the weeds; keep it clear of rocks and other harmful things. And we must plant patience, truth, obedience, discipline...above all things though, we must plant LOVE. Thank you Father for speaking those words to me today. I need more of my own love planted in my heart...for without my love to fertilize, no one elses love will be able to sustain the terrain.
In the great words of my favorite musicians...."All You Need Is Love"
Thank you, dad, for introducing me to The Beatles and giving me their amazing melodies to brighten my days.
It's a feeling that brings about my youth, my father, and an overall contentment with life that has been relatively distant these days. I've had a hard time writing at all, because I've felt so negative, but when I listen to John, Paul, George, and Ringo- suddenly, "All the Lonely People" put me at ease. I have had a string of bad luck events lately, and I am down and out on this whole dating scene....it's not my thing, and no one wants to "Hold My Hand" or just "Let It Be". I'm so over it. I didn't think it would be this hard! The online dating thing has severely wounded my self-confidence. I know it works for some people, but it's just too strange for me. I tend to fall in love with my best friend....and these internet guys have no history in my life. I don't know if I can trust them, if I want to trust them, or if it's worth my time to invest in someone that's just-nice-enough-but-not-quite-cute-enough-and-doesn't-have-a-job-and-is-25-years-my-senior. **Dear God, please make me stop freaking out about my 27th birthday approaching, and I'm still single and childless.**
I wish we all lived in a "Yellow Submarine". That sounds like a nice place. It's similar to when I get mad, or fed up with the American way of life and I say, "Screw this shit hole, I'm moving to Greece!" But then, I'm quickly reminded that Greece isn't really up to speed on technology, or ice cubes, or air conditioning....HOWEVER, they don't work like slaves, they have AMAZING food, and who couldn't be happy just sitting around looking at what engulfs them?! Greece is a beautiful country, but they are suffering greatly right now. I pray many times that they won't have to sell their debt to a place like China....*sigh*...
Now, before I go getting all political on you....rest assured, it's a "Good Day, Sunshine".
On a much more personal note, I am having issues with sleeping. My sleep is constantly interrupted by some strong brute-which whom, by the way, I'm having sex with! It's great, because in your dreams there is no reason to worry about such debauchery! This man seems to be of Swedish decent, he's a body builder, and he has tattoos....it's everything that I've never had, and I don't get where this *man* has come from, but I'm starting to believe in invisible (boy)friends...he "Don't Let Me Down", which is in and of itself a pretty fantastic feat- EVEN IF he IS made up! After describing this to my best friend and therapist, she told me that our dreams are usually fragments from our day that form into a deep rooted thought. Soooooooo, in other words, I pretty much sit around and think about porking all day long, while it’s not happening for me, and everyone around me IS porking- so I just get to dream about porking with some fictional douchebag, probably named “Ty”. Meanwhile, I am feeling like Tiger Woods on a bad ecstasy trip locked away in a monastery.
Speaking of monastery….
Today my priest spoke of "being a farmer of your own heart". I thought it was interesting- especially considering how much my heart has hurt lately. What he said was so right...couldn't be more right. We have to work on our hearts- much like a crop. Pull the weeds; keep it clear of rocks and other harmful things. And we must plant patience, truth, obedience, discipline...above all things though, we must plant LOVE. Thank you Father for speaking those words to me today. I need more of my own love planted in my heart...for without my love to fertilize, no one elses love will be able to sustain the terrain.
In the great words of my favorite musicians...."All You Need Is Love"
Thank you, dad, for introducing me to The Beatles and giving me their amazing melodies to brighten my days.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Mangy
Have you ever had a moment in your life when you really questioned what in the hell you could possibly be doing SO wrong to make the tide have turned against you in such a fierce manner??
I have recently been slammed back-to-back with some incidents that were predominantly beyond my control, and made me almost lose it. A few weeks ago, I rear-ended an SUV in a sudden downpour which almost totaled my car. 2 days after getting my car repaired, I backed out of my garage to go to work, and the garage door came down onto my rear windshield and busted it. Let me add that in-between all of this mess, I had contracted food poisoning, my sister and I had a terrible fight, I went on a 2 day work trip to Missouri- one of which took 5 hours to drive, 2 of those hours were spent on back roads in BFE surrounded by the smell of cow manure and no civilized place to stop and pee- I worked a 16 hour day only to be called a "secretary", and I topped it all off with a $500 electric bill. One would think this was enough for such a short time frame (2.5 weeks), and then on my way home from work yesterday, my car started making really strange sounds. I looked at my temperature gauge (this is one of those things your dad teaches you to do, and 10 years later, it comes in handy) and my car was HOT. Damnit.
I pulled over on the side of the interstate and called my mechanic (also happens to be one of my best friends' husband) and he very graciously towed my car and fixed the hose that was leaky. I wanted to break down and cry tears of complete exhaustion, but then my debit card was rejected for $30 at the gas station. At this point, it didn't even phase me because I felt like everything just seemed to be going wrong. The gas station lady was nice and let me write a check, but I was humiliated. I knew I had the money in the bank, but it was obvious that she thought I was one second away from selling organically grown pot brownies to the neighborhood kids for quick change.
My car was fixed, and I headed home. I felt a sense of defeat, and I wondered why God would be testing me so rigorously right now. I also kept trying to remind myself that things could be SO much worse. Thankfully, everything that has occurred has not injured me (except my feelings and my bank account) or anyone else, and I am very grateful for that. People around me have sick kids, sick dogs, sick parents....and I am reminded to be thankful for these crappy things because it could be so much worse. I got home and poured a glass of wine, and just tried to make sense of all of the bad stuff.
I have also had some really terrible dates lately, and the whole online dating thing is really wearing me out. I met a Greek guy recently, which got my blood flowing for about 10 minutes....until I found out he was 50. Yep, 5-0. I have a thing for the oldies, but it made me slightly uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of having sex with someone who could EASILY be my dad, and who truly is just a couple of years younger than my dad. It freaked me out, and I haven't talked to him since.
It's Friday night, and although I had a couple of gentleman callers, I decided to stay in and hang out with...myself. I gave myself a mani/pedi, researched some stuff online, watched "Say Yes to the Dress", and rescued a dog with the worst demodex mange I have ever seen. He is being taken care of by a rescue group now for treatment, and I can't wait to hear his story. I am surrounded by 5 dogs here at in my home that are all pleasantly knocked out- Lord, please don't let them wake me up at 5:30am with a wrestling match on my bed! And, I am happy as can be. I sometimes wonder if I am meant to be a single, crazy dog lady for the rest of my life. For now, the answer is yes, but if my car continues to operate for the next few weeks, I'm sure my mindset will change.
I have recently been slammed back-to-back with some incidents that were predominantly beyond my control, and made me almost lose it. A few weeks ago, I rear-ended an SUV in a sudden downpour which almost totaled my car. 2 days after getting my car repaired, I backed out of my garage to go to work, and the garage door came down onto my rear windshield and busted it. Let me add that in-between all of this mess, I had contracted food poisoning, my sister and I had a terrible fight, I went on a 2 day work trip to Missouri- one of which took 5 hours to drive, 2 of those hours were spent on back roads in BFE surrounded by the smell of cow manure and no civilized place to stop and pee- I worked a 16 hour day only to be called a "secretary", and I topped it all off with a $500 electric bill. One would think this was enough for such a short time frame (2.5 weeks), and then on my way home from work yesterday, my car started making really strange sounds. I looked at my temperature gauge (this is one of those things your dad teaches you to do, and 10 years later, it comes in handy) and my car was HOT. Damnit.
I pulled over on the side of the interstate and called my mechanic (also happens to be one of my best friends' husband) and he very graciously towed my car and fixed the hose that was leaky. I wanted to break down and cry tears of complete exhaustion, but then my debit card was rejected for $30 at the gas station. At this point, it didn't even phase me because I felt like everything just seemed to be going wrong. The gas station lady was nice and let me write a check, but I was humiliated. I knew I had the money in the bank, but it was obvious that she thought I was one second away from selling organically grown pot brownies to the neighborhood kids for quick change.
My car was fixed, and I headed home. I felt a sense of defeat, and I wondered why God would be testing me so rigorously right now. I also kept trying to remind myself that things could be SO much worse. Thankfully, everything that has occurred has not injured me (except my feelings and my bank account) or anyone else, and I am very grateful for that. People around me have sick kids, sick dogs, sick parents....and I am reminded to be thankful for these crappy things because it could be so much worse. I got home and poured a glass of wine, and just tried to make sense of all of the bad stuff.
I have also had some really terrible dates lately, and the whole online dating thing is really wearing me out. I met a Greek guy recently, which got my blood flowing for about 10 minutes....until I found out he was 50. Yep, 5-0. I have a thing for the oldies, but it made me slightly uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of having sex with someone who could EASILY be my dad, and who truly is just a couple of years younger than my dad. It freaked me out, and I haven't talked to him since.
It's Friday night, and although I had a couple of gentleman callers, I decided to stay in and hang out with...myself. I gave myself a mani/pedi, researched some stuff online, watched "Say Yes to the Dress", and rescued a dog with the worst demodex mange I have ever seen. He is being taken care of by a rescue group now for treatment, and I can't wait to hear his story. I am surrounded by 5 dogs here at in my home that are all pleasantly knocked out- Lord, please don't let them wake me up at 5:30am with a wrestling match on my bed! And, I am happy as can be. I sometimes wonder if I am meant to be a single, crazy dog lady for the rest of my life. For now, the answer is yes, but if my car continues to operate for the next few weeks, I'm sure my mindset will change.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Cynically Devout Love Seeker
I am finally into month 2 of my 3 month online dating stint. I gave myself 3 months because the 50% off coupon was only valid for that time period, and I was pretty convinced that this would be a relatively easy process. Boy, was I wrong. I have a huge mix of emotions when it comes to my experiences thus far. I have been on dates with 5 different guys, and I don't have a bad thing to say about any of them. 1 of them, in fact, will most likely be a long-term friend and sounding board for many topics. The others....well, they were all nice, but there has to be more than "nice", right??? I long for the date when you both show up, look lovingly into each other’s eyes, and decide that you never want to leave without that person! "Calling Ms. K to the psych ward", I know...
As much of a cynic as I am when it comes to men, there IS a passion for love and relationship deep within my soul. One of my favorite things about the Orthodox Church is the value that they place on love, and being loved. It is truly one of the best gifts that God gave us, and I know I would be missing out to never have that again in my life. So, I search for "it"...like a lost kid who wonders if anyone will TRULY ever love me for the person that I have become- through the hurt, the shame, the tears, and the resounding independence that I seem to sprout more and more of everyday. Independence is a great thing, but I find myself often thinking how much a man would disrupt my lovely way of life. Obviously this feeling is the lesser of my options, because I continue to search for the "one"...like Neo and Trinity.
Eventually, I'm sure that time will win, and when I'm least expecting it- I will be slapped in the face by my future forever lover (at least, this is what my mom tells me). Right now, I am going to continue to forward the hilarious matches that I receive daily, and share them with my friends.
Signing out-
Cynically Devout Love Seeker
And for your entertainment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FefWp_4B0k
As much of a cynic as I am when it comes to men, there IS a passion for love and relationship deep within my soul. One of my favorite things about the Orthodox Church is the value that they place on love, and being loved. It is truly one of the best gifts that God gave us, and I know I would be missing out to never have that again in my life. So, I search for "it"...like a lost kid who wonders if anyone will TRULY ever love me for the person that I have become- through the hurt, the shame, the tears, and the resounding independence that I seem to sprout more and more of everyday. Independence is a great thing, but I find myself often thinking how much a man would disrupt my lovely way of life. Obviously this feeling is the lesser of my options, because I continue to search for the "one"...like Neo and Trinity.
Eventually, I'm sure that time will win, and when I'm least expecting it- I will be slapped in the face by my future forever lover (at least, this is what my mom tells me). Right now, I am going to continue to forward the hilarious matches that I receive daily, and share them with my friends.
Signing out-
Cynically Devout Love Seeker
And for your entertainment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FefWp_4B0k
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Happiness
Happiness has recently come to me in all kinds of forms. Here is my short list:
Successfully potty training the foster dog, "Chi Chi"
Having my house cleaned- by someone else
Hiking
Cooking for family and friends
My relationship with my parents
Renewing my commitment to the Orthodox Church
When I think about the things that make me happy, it all boils down to a few stability factors: emotional stability, physical stability, mental stability, and spiritual stability. With the exception of the money that I spent on having my house cleaned, none of the above things require money to be happy. And, the only reason I paid someone to clean my house is to have more time to spend with the people that I love and enjoy being around, so I don't consider that materialistic. Plus, having a clean house has been great for my sanity!
I topped off the end of August by throwing a party for my high school girlfriends and their moms. I cooked a traditional Greek cuisine and honestly had an amazing time. Having friends and family all combined in the same house, sitting at the same table, eating the same food, is something that fills my heart with contentment. I think it's the feeling of love, respect, admiration, and fulfillment that each of us brought to the table that night, and it excites me to have lifelong friends who I KNOW will always be by my side. Each of us girls come from such different backgrounds, have been through such different things, and we've all ended up in different places in life- but, ultimately, we all love and respect each other. It's nice to have that comradery.
Starting the month of September was a refresher for me. I felt a great weight being lifted- and not being haunted by the d-day month of August, is a nice thing. September makes me happy...the cooler weather, the warm colors, and the thought of the holiday season brings a sense of calm to my heart,
As I look at my life, and where I am today, I know that happiness comes from within. It comes from the place when my mom texts me with "I love you so much", it comes from the place when I get to see my best friends kids play soccer, it comes from the place when the foster dog sleeps as close to me as possible- when just months earlier he was scared of any human contact. Happiness is just a word, but that word holds the context of which every day should be observed.
Successfully potty training the foster dog, "Chi Chi"
Having my house cleaned- by someone else
Hiking
Cooking for family and friends
My relationship with my parents
Renewing my commitment to the Orthodox Church
When I think about the things that make me happy, it all boils down to a few stability factors: emotional stability, physical stability, mental stability, and spiritual stability. With the exception of the money that I spent on having my house cleaned, none of the above things require money to be happy. And, the only reason I paid someone to clean my house is to have more time to spend with the people that I love and enjoy being around, so I don't consider that materialistic. Plus, having a clean house has been great for my sanity!
I topped off the end of August by throwing a party for my high school girlfriends and their moms. I cooked a traditional Greek cuisine and honestly had an amazing time. Having friends and family all combined in the same house, sitting at the same table, eating the same food, is something that fills my heart with contentment. I think it's the feeling of love, respect, admiration, and fulfillment that each of us brought to the table that night, and it excites me to have lifelong friends who I KNOW will always be by my side. Each of us girls come from such different backgrounds, have been through such different things, and we've all ended up in different places in life- but, ultimately, we all love and respect each other. It's nice to have that comradery.
Starting the month of September was a refresher for me. I felt a great weight being lifted- and not being haunted by the d-day month of August, is a nice thing. September makes me happy...the cooler weather, the warm colors, and the thought of the holiday season brings a sense of calm to my heart,
As I look at my life, and where I am today, I know that happiness comes from within. It comes from the place when my mom texts me with "I love you so much", it comes from the place when I get to see my best friends kids play soccer, it comes from the place when the foster dog sleeps as close to me as possible- when just months earlier he was scared of any human contact. Happiness is just a word, but that word holds the context of which every day should be observed.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Only Time Will Tell
Online dating has to be one of the most ridiculous things we can do as single human beings. I am in the process of a 3 month long stint with online dating, so I fall into this category of "ridiculous single human beings". Many of you probably already know this, but online dating really allows you to flaunt all of the good things about yourself. "I'm good at this", "I work hard at that", "I like this", "I have this and that"...nowhere, not on ONE profile (of the 96 matches that have been sent to me) does it state how bad someone is at something- anything! There is no place on the profile to state your flaws, no where does it ask you about what you can't do, where you fail in relationships...ultimately, the reason why we're all stuck in the online dating world in the first place! So you meet someone, and you immediately have a nice, tidy picture of the other person. Things appear quite nice on the profile.
I will admit that even my profile is filled with the things that have come to annoy me most about everyone else's. I am very quick to talk about all of the positive things in my life- and on the surface- there really isn't much of a reason for anyone NOT to like me....unless, they don't like brunette's. I also continue to be surprised with UGLINESS! I'm not talking just plain looking, ordinary Joe's...I'm talking FUGLY! I've had one guy sent to me sitting on a stool in a Christmas sweater, holding a tuba as if it were his prized possession. I know- some of you are thinking "that HAS to be a joke", but I can assure you, it wasn't a joke. This guy had picture after picture of him and his tuba and it made me reminisce "This one time, at band camp....". Then, there was the guy with red hair, red rimmed glasses, and a maroon suit. Again, not a joke. I could go on and on, but I will spare you. By this time, you get the picture.
So, I've had a couple of dates, had some fun conversation, and enough nerves to rattle a snake. Is it worth it? According to my online dating website, everyday 542 people marry from meeting right there. *542*!!! That's enough to make even ME skeptical about my own skepticism. Hmmm....
What I fear: having a surge in dates and only meeting more jerk-offs and becoming even more cynical towards men. After 1 failed marriage and a couple of really bad broken relationships, I can tell you that I have enough cynicism towards men to almost munch the carpet. But rather than destroy all of my heterosexual hopes and dreams, I am going to carry on with my 3 month term in the online dating world. I know that I have a lot to offer, and maybe somewhere, somehow, someone will see through all of the bullshit on my profile, and settle for a real human being.
It's funny, because even after my experience thus far, I still wake up excited every morning that maybe...just MAYBE, today will be the day that the online dating gods are in favor of creating a 1/542 chance for me. As my mom frequently reminds me, "Only time will tell".
I will admit that even my profile is filled with the things that have come to annoy me most about everyone else's. I am very quick to talk about all of the positive things in my life- and on the surface- there really isn't much of a reason for anyone NOT to like me....unless, they don't like brunette's. I also continue to be surprised with UGLINESS! I'm not talking just plain looking, ordinary Joe's...I'm talking FUGLY! I've had one guy sent to me sitting on a stool in a Christmas sweater, holding a tuba as if it were his prized possession. I know- some of you are thinking "that HAS to be a joke", but I can assure you, it wasn't a joke. This guy had picture after picture of him and his tuba and it made me reminisce "This one time, at band camp....". Then, there was the guy with red hair, red rimmed glasses, and a maroon suit. Again, not a joke. I could go on and on, but I will spare you. By this time, you get the picture.
So, I've had a couple of dates, had some fun conversation, and enough nerves to rattle a snake. Is it worth it? According to my online dating website, everyday 542 people marry from meeting right there. *542*!!! That's enough to make even ME skeptical about my own skepticism. Hmmm....
What I fear: having a surge in dates and only meeting more jerk-offs and becoming even more cynical towards men. After 1 failed marriage and a couple of really bad broken relationships, I can tell you that I have enough cynicism towards men to almost munch the carpet. But rather than destroy all of my heterosexual hopes and dreams, I am going to carry on with my 3 month term in the online dating world. I know that I have a lot to offer, and maybe somewhere, somehow, someone will see through all of the bullshit on my profile, and settle for a real human being.
It's funny, because even after my experience thus far, I still wake up excited every morning that maybe...just MAYBE, today will be the day that the online dating gods are in favor of creating a 1/542 chance for me. As my mom frequently reminds me, "Only time will tell".
Friday, August 20, 2010
Acceptance
The other day I convinced a girlfriend to join an online dating website with me. Granted, we BOTH need to get the hell out of the house and probably need to get laid, but that's beside the point. Online dating is a habitual way of entertainment for me. I am always SHOCKED at the type of guys that I find online, and after 1 bad experience with a date, I'll take my profile down and swear off dating....then, approximately 2-3 months later, I find myself signing back up because the thrill of the unknown gets me every time. This time, signing up was more due to the fact that I got a coupon for 50% off the 1st 3 months- I figured, "what the hell?!".
I received my first matches within 24 hours, and was almost immediately feeling defeated. Here I am, 5 years after my divorce, and I STILL can't find a guy that really interests me. Many of these guys seem nice- probably have the right thing to offer- just not to me. And so I make my way through sorting through the "maybes", the "hell no's", and the "I would need to see him in person to deceifer this mess". I am an optimist by nature, a pessimest by men.
The next morning I get a match with someone who states their ethnic origin as "other", "6 feet tall", and is a college graduate- see, my standards aren't THAT high. As I was giving this website a mental high five, I decided to take a leap and see what this guy was all about. Interesting. Charming. Seems genuine and sincere. And so this begins our full day of communication. It was a lot of fun, and we have even planned a date for later this same day. I have already prayed to God and asked for Him to please not let this guy be a HUGE douchebag...I'll keep you posted on what God has in store for me.
The thing is, this guy may not be prince charming...who knows, really?? But, the more I keep myself couped up in my house- as far away from men as humanly possible- where is that going to get me?? I'll tell you where- in a doctor's office in a couple more years getting inseminated by a plastic syringe. And yes, this is a possibility that I have already accepted in my life! For now though, I think it's best that I continue to search for MY match rather than a donor match. There's someone for everyone....right?
The irony in all of this is that my date comes exactly 5 years after my marriage. It's funny how things work. I guess God decided it was against His better judgment to keep me home, another night alone, when I should be able to celebrate just a little bit just how far my life has come in these past 5 years. After my date, I look forward to PJ partying it up with my online dating cohort and good friend - I have a feeling the next 3 months of this madness will be good for both of us girls.
I received my first matches within 24 hours, and was almost immediately feeling defeated. Here I am, 5 years after my divorce, and I STILL can't find a guy that really interests me. Many of these guys seem nice- probably have the right thing to offer- just not to me. And so I make my way through sorting through the "maybes", the "hell no's", and the "I would need to see him in person to deceifer this mess". I am an optimist by nature, a pessimest by men.
The next morning I get a match with someone who states their ethnic origin as "other", "6 feet tall", and is a college graduate- see, my standards aren't THAT high. As I was giving this website a mental high five, I decided to take a leap and see what this guy was all about. Interesting. Charming. Seems genuine and sincere. And so this begins our full day of communication. It was a lot of fun, and we have even planned a date for later this same day. I have already prayed to God and asked for Him to please not let this guy be a HUGE douchebag...I'll keep you posted on what God has in store for me.
The thing is, this guy may not be prince charming...who knows, really?? But, the more I keep myself couped up in my house- as far away from men as humanly possible- where is that going to get me?? I'll tell you where- in a doctor's office in a couple more years getting inseminated by a plastic syringe. And yes, this is a possibility that I have already accepted in my life! For now though, I think it's best that I continue to search for MY match rather than a donor match. There's someone for everyone....right?
The irony in all of this is that my date comes exactly 5 years after my marriage. It's funny how things work. I guess God decided it was against His better judgment to keep me home, another night alone, when I should be able to celebrate just a little bit just how far my life has come in these past 5 years. After my date, I look forward to PJ partying it up with my online dating cohort and good friend - I have a feeling the next 3 months of this madness will be good for both of us girls.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Big, Bigger, Biggest
I just returned from my first night to "Curves". With the introductory price, they should also throw in a prescription of Xanax laced with Prozac, because let me tell ya- when you leave from orientation, all you want is a pitcher of margarita's, some Jimmy Buffet music, and a prescription to make the fat rolls disappear (or maybe just to take your mind off of the fact that you really ARE a fat ass).
In my defense, I have spent the entire year in agonizing back pain, which resulted in back surgery nearly 8 months after trying to fix the problem holistically. In my defense, I have not been able to work out due to the pain and the surgery. In my defense, the doctors put me on medications to help with the nerve pain, which side effects included "weight gain". But, on top of allllll of these excuses- lies a much bigger problem- EATING, inactivity, EATING, more inactivity, and even more EATING!
My Curves instructor was a mere 69 years old, and when I told her that I have an "eating disorder", and then started laughing about it, she got very concerned. I thought it was pretty funny- but, she did not! She ran over and got one of her books that she usually sells for $9.99, and told me that it was being put to good use in my hands. Boy, I hope I don't let Ms. Sandra down! Ms. Sandra also told me that I needed to lose 50 pounds in order to get back to my high school weight. I also laughed at her (and mostly at myself), because I find that goal completely unreachable. 50 pounds?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! This isn't The Biggest Loser, and I certainly don't see Jillian or Bob around to persuade me to stop eating the delicious cake that my brother just made, nor are they around to get my fat ass on a treadmill for 18 hours per day! You're looking at a girl (ahem, woman) who barely has the energy to dress herself in the morning, so I think it's best that we start with a goal of 10 pounds- and go from there.
I WANT to be thin again...I really do. But, what I want more than that is to FEEL thin! God, I haven't FELT thin in a long time. I long for the day that I don't have to do squats in the morning to get my pants to finally fit, and I'm also ready to get back into a size where I LOOK good- you know those days when you FEEL thin, which in turn makes you FEEL confident. My new bra size is 36DD, and believe me, I wasn't high-fiving the Victoria's Secret salesperson with this news. Shirts will barely button around my chest, and pants will barely button around my hips! This is out of control, and BY FAR, the fattest I've ever gotten- and hopefully Ms. Sandra has some secrets in store for me at Curves. If not, I'm going to schedule a session of lypo with a doctor in Mexico. Ariiiiba!
In my defense, I have spent the entire year in agonizing back pain, which resulted in back surgery nearly 8 months after trying to fix the problem holistically. In my defense, I have not been able to work out due to the pain and the surgery. In my defense, the doctors put me on medications to help with the nerve pain, which side effects included "weight gain". But, on top of allllll of these excuses- lies a much bigger problem- EATING, inactivity, EATING, more inactivity, and even more EATING!
My Curves instructor was a mere 69 years old, and when I told her that I have an "eating disorder", and then started laughing about it, she got very concerned. I thought it was pretty funny- but, she did not! She ran over and got one of her books that she usually sells for $9.99, and told me that it was being put to good use in my hands. Boy, I hope I don't let Ms. Sandra down! Ms. Sandra also told me that I needed to lose 50 pounds in order to get back to my high school weight. I also laughed at her (and mostly at myself), because I find that goal completely unreachable. 50 pounds?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! This isn't The Biggest Loser, and I certainly don't see Jillian or Bob around to persuade me to stop eating the delicious cake that my brother just made, nor are they around to get my fat ass on a treadmill for 18 hours per day! You're looking at a girl (ahem, woman) who barely has the energy to dress herself in the morning, so I think it's best that we start with a goal of 10 pounds- and go from there.
I WANT to be thin again...I really do. But, what I want more than that is to FEEL thin! God, I haven't FELT thin in a long time. I long for the day that I don't have to do squats in the morning to get my pants to finally fit, and I'm also ready to get back into a size where I LOOK good- you know those days when you FEEL thin, which in turn makes you FEEL confident. My new bra size is 36DD, and believe me, I wasn't high-fiving the Victoria's Secret salesperson with this news. Shirts will barely button around my chest, and pants will barely button around my hips! This is out of control, and BY FAR, the fattest I've ever gotten- and hopefully Ms. Sandra has some secrets in store for me at Curves. If not, I'm going to schedule a session of lypo with a doctor in Mexico. Ariiiiba!
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