Day 5 - Hell and Back

Let me just start by saying, I really don't endorse this diet. I most likely wouldn't recommend it to you. It makes you crazy. And if you're a woman who still gets your "cycle", OMG- stay away from this. BAD cravings, headaches, nausea, and exhaustion were some of the big things that I had to deal with. Ultimately, I went home early from work yesterday and slept like I hadn't ever slept before. Luckily, I feel much better today, and haven't struggled much with feeling desperate. If you DO decide to do the HCG diet- I STRONGLY recommend you do it with someone else. I have a good friend who started the diet on the same day (who is also an expert at this diet), and a co-worker who started about a week before me. It's really important that you have someone to ask about all of the crazy side effects and symptoms that your body will go through from sugar withdrawals! It's also nice to talk to someone who feels your pain, and isn't posting the latest picture of their cheesecake dessert on Facebook.

Some of the good things thus far:

I haven't had any acid reflux, nor have I taken my prescription medicine for acid reflux. That's a HUGE accomplishment for my body. For the past 6 months I've struggled with acid reflux SO bad, there were times when I couldn't function. I've been to doctor after doctor, and had a lot of tests done. They found nothing. I knew it had to have a relation to what I was eating and the weight I had gained (I just wasn't ready to change it). With this diet, you don't put much into your body, so there's not much waste or anything to set your system on "fire". Through all of the pain that I've been through on this diet, that's one additional problem I'm glad I don't have to deal with. It also makes me happy to eliminate that medicine from my daily routine. I've learned that our bodies really don't "need" doughnuts and pizza to survive the hard times- sometimes a good cry on your man's shoulder does a world of good.....thanks, Joe. :)

Another thing that seems to be happening with this diet- without me INTENDING it to happen- our relationship is actually growing due to NOT eating- weird, huh? I didn't originally peg Joe to be SO supportive of this crazy idea- I thought he would sit quietly with his opinion to himself (as he usually does when I do something crazy), but he has gotten so on-board with me, it's really making us GROW as a couple. He isn't doing the HCG diet, but he's basically following pretty close to what I'm eating- cutting out the majority of his carbs, sweets, and alcohol- just eating MORE of the good stuff. He's lost 7lbs, I've lost 11lbs....in 5 days! 18lbs combined- that's pretty cool (I think). He's a lot stronger than I am when it comes to this whole delaying gratification thing. As proud as I am of myself, I'm proud of him, and I'm especially proud of us. We're cheering each other on, and helping to support the goal at hand. If 2 of the worlds biggest "foodies" can do this, ANYONE can do this.

I've been on this diet for 1 solid week (Day 5 of Phase II), and I have 2 more weeks to go. I feel much more stable today to say that I am prepared to meet this goal!

Day 4. Meltdown.

Yesterday, Day #4 on the HCG diet was HARD. My day started at 5:30am, and I got home around 8:30pm. I actually had some progress yesterday- feeling pretty good from about 10am (after eating 60 calories worth of strawberries) until around 4:00pm. I did lose 2lbs, so I began to have the desire to make it to 10lbs, which was reached today! :) Joe says he can see a difference, but I can't really. When I lay down though, my stomach does feel more flat- that's been a while!
I wore my "fat pants" yesterday, and they were a little big- exciting! However, today I wore a smaller size, and I'm still not quite there yet. My next goal is 20lbs...hopefully by the end of week 2.

Joe has lost 5lbs! He's cut back drastically on his carbs, and eating mostly what I'm eating- just more of it. We've both cut out drinking, which is pretty extreme for both of us, but I think we're both just tired of feeling like crap. I'm really proud of him, and thankful everyday for his continued support of this crazy diet.

I am not sure if it's my hormones, the lack of food, or just the overall feeling of misery that brought me to my breaking point last night, but I just wasn't able to hold it together. Today I'm puffy-eyed and feel tired, but I'm really happy to have come this far. It's just day 5, but I think I'm growing a little stronger everyday. My social life is at a stand still (sorry friends), but it's doing me a world of good to build my own strength without relying on a few glasses of wine and a pizza. Not to say I won't ever have those things again, because that would just make me miserable, but I just have to make better decisions and not do it so OFTEN.

Thanks again to all of you who have given me support during this time- it's changing this fat girls' life!

Day 3. My apologies.

February 14th. Valentine's Day. My own personal day from hell.
And not for the reason that it has been in the past. My neighbor at work even got *2* (yeah, not *1*, but *2*) bouquets of roses, and I actually just enjoyed the aroma- as compared to years prior- I would have just been pissed off that someone didn't love me as much. (Note to self, flowers are not a good indicator of another's love.)

I enjoyed her flowers, and thought of all the girls that would probably feel that sting this year- as I have so many years previous. Honestly, the best Valentine's Day I ever remember was when my "Dad" (most likely my mom) sent a rose and a balloon to school with "I love you, Dad" on the card. It felt good to know that I was loved and cared about, and just THOUGHT about on that stupid day. It really is a ridiculous day, but instead of trying to convince myself of that this year, I actually BELIEVED it.
"The love you get, is equal to the love you give." -Beatles

As for the diet, I must apologize to my friends and family for how horrible this is. It's definitely me at my worst. This girl is just REALLY struggling! It's amazing how much support I have- that feels good and recharges me each time any one of you reach out to me. I can not be social, which goes against all of my "butterflyness", I feel hungry, I feel stressed, I feel all-consumed by this diet....I just keep telling myself it WILL pass. I had a few moments today where I felt pretty good (the first hour after lunch), and a few things came across my plate that actually made me laugh today. Here's one of them.

I had a couple of nay-sayers today. Not that I can really blame them. One of them being my over-the-top-dramatics-and-arms-flailing-father. I understand the concern from most of you who say this diet isn't healthy, and there are much better (easier) ways to do this. I hear you, and I believe you. Unfortunately, I've come to that little fork in the road that is somewhere between desperate and enormous- and for me....for now, this IS working. And it's not just something I picked up overnight. It's something that takes an enormous amount of research, work, and commitment. The bottom line is, this is THE hardest thing I've ever done. Similar to an addict going through rehab, I'm just taking this one day at a time. I succesfully completed Day #3, and right now I'm just praying for Day #4.

My food for the day:

Lunch, which consisted of 150 calories of grilled chicken, cooked only with lemon juice and garlic and a few herbs. Cucumber (and a couple of bites of tomato) salad with a homemade vinaigarette (40 calories).

And an apple for a snack.

Dinner consisted of 6oz of Cod (150 calories), grilled on the Foreman with lemon, garlic, and herbs (put into lettuce wrap "tacos"), and 8 stalks of asparagus (40 calories). Dessert was an apple. Again.

In the first 2 days, I lost 6lbs. I'm hoping for good numbers again tomorrow. It would be really great to lose 10lbs in the first week. I think if I do that, I will continue to stay motivated. Again....I hope this gets easier.

I will leave you with Valentine's Day kisses

Day 2. What Have I Done?

Day 2 started out pretty good- I lost 3 pounds on the first day. That was exciting!
Yeah- that's where the excitement stopped.

I honestly don't remember a time this trying. I remember struggling quite a bit through Economics, but even then, I just cheated on my tests because my soon to be husband was a smarty-pants (God forgive me). I remember how hard it was struggling to find my way through my marriage (obviously, we took the easy way out). And, then there was that time I "dated" a married guy (who told me he was going through a divorce). Yeah, those things were HARD. But, why did I make the decision to get MYSELF into those situations, only to learn the very, very, VERY hard way that I was only cheating myself to begin with.

Why haven't I learned that lesson yet? Why didn't I take the "easier" route and make healthy decisions over the past few years on what I ate? Why didn't I go to the gym 3 days/week? Why haven't I counted my calories up until this point?! Ugh, this diet is HORRIBLE. I really don't know how to describe it, but my most common feeling today was anger! I was angry at the fatty's eating their Girl Scout cookies and cheeseburgers. I was angry at the cafeteria for cooking and serving food to the general public. I was especially angry at the person (who wasn't even at their desk today) who had a HUGE bag of peanut butter filled pretzels on her desk- just STARING at me. When I went to warm up my 190 calorie lunch (oh, and a 60 calorie apple), one guy was heating up a HUGE bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. I wanted to punch that guy in his face.
I hope I contained my emotions, but I can't be too sure.

I'm still maintaining that I am going to get through this. 21 more days to go.

What a Loser

Crazy, crazy, CRAZY diet has started!
My oh my....so, I've gotten fat. Not like, "whoops, I look a little chubby in that picture" fat, but like, "HOLY SHIT, these don't fit anymore, and I'm out of breath walking up these stairs" fat. Granted, I've had 2 back surgeries, and that has greatly limited some of the things that I can do- but I am severely disappointed with myself. I've always been able to pull myself together and look pretty good- for most situations. But, lately, I don't EVER feel pretty. In all actuality, the last time I felt "pretty" was on my first date with Joe....that was at the beginning of June.

On the upside, Joe and I have shared some pretty awesome months together. I've officially moved in with him, and I really couldn't be any more happy. We both share an INSANE love of food, and he can cook better than my momma. I love to eat anything he makes....a little too much! And Joe grew up in an extremely southern household- so when he cooks, a meal never consists of less than 1500 calories! Haha. I actually don't ever care how many calories are in his meals because they are SO good! He could easily open a restaurant and blow everyone's taste buds away. I love that about him.

That reminds me. A few months back, I wrote about "31 Flavors"....I recently read that blog post and had tears realizing that God has actually given me someone who meets ALMOST all of those criteria. That makes me ridiculously happy.

Ok, ok...back to the diet plan. So, I've decided to do the "HCG" diet. If you don't know what it is, you can Google it. There's a lot of rules, and a lot of restrictions, but the gist of the diet is: take HCG hormone 3x/day, eat exactly 500 calories/day (food is very restrictive- not just any 500 calories), no exercise, no alcohol, and lots and lots of water (or tea or coffee- PLAIN). You can't use any lotions, and need to wear mineral makeup. I'm telling you- it's crazy. But here's the thing....it WORKS. And, I have no control when it comes to just eating "healthy" and "exercising". So I'm going extreme for 23 days.

Today was day #1, and honestly, I don't like it. But, I have THE most amazing man by my side who is encouraging me, and even eating the diet food (just a lot more of it, lol). There are not many guys out there who would do this. Most will say it's crazy, and unhealthy. But, being fat is unhealthy, people! Here's what I ate today:
AM: Green tea and lots of water
Lunch: 150 calories of chicken and 40 calories of asparagus (grilled on the foreman with McCormick's Garlic and Herb seasoning) -btw, you can't use ANY oils or butter on this diet
Mid-afternoon "snack": small apple 60 calories
Dinner: 150 calories of extra-lean ground beef, and 40 calories of broccoli
Dessert: 60 calories of strawberries
....ao there you have it, 500 calories. Yeah, it sucks. But then again, so does being a fatty.

I'm also using this time as a fast for my soul. It's not taking place during Lent, but I'm using it as a cleansing period- body, mind, and soul.

My first goal is to lose 30lbs in the next 23 days. I'll keep you posted....

Somewhere in the Middle

It's been a while since I've written anything- and a lot of that is purposefully. As most stories start...."So, I met this guy...", and most stories have a middle..."things are going great, I'm so in-love!", and ALL stories have an end. In my perpetual downfall of intimate relationships, it usually goes like this, "what a cock-sucking asshole, he can rot in hell!" And that is that!

I've gone round and round in this type of vicious cycle for so long- but, then I was thrust right into the sweet, loving arms of my boyfriend of about ----waaaaait for iiiit---- *2 months*. So, you see, it's hard to write about this- because we're in that "middle" part- we're currently designing our own story for our particular ending. All you have to know is that things are pretty amazing. Amazing because he cooks, amazing because he works hard, loves his job, amazing because he has completely embraced my dogs as his own, amazing because he embraces my friends
, and amazing because he's absolutely embraced me into every aspect of his life. I feel like I'm part of a team that has such a bigger, better purpose than just me on my own.

So, we're on the way....to something. Right now we're sitting at that infamous fork- do we go left, do we go right, or do we go straight ahead?! I can't predict the future, but with time, I do know that everything will work out just fine!

Deep Fried, Powdered Sugar Dinner

Have you ever eaten beignets for dinner?
No?
I have.

I've eaten them after a long beach vacation. And yes, I had spent the prior week in a bathing suit, feeling really bad about myself.

I came home from vacation right at dinner time, and after looking through the pantry, and the refrigerator, coming up empty handed- I eyeballed the box of Cafe DuMonde beignet mix.

Sure, I had spent the last 4 days on the beach, consuming a liquid caloric intake waaaaaay past the recommended daily maximum, but I needed to eat dinner. And, I had no milk to throw together macaroni & cheese and tuna fish (which is always my last resort, emergency dinner- thanks, Mom), so beignet's it was.

And it was magnificently delicious.

On a side note, I had my brother move the treadmill into my room this afternoon.

My theory is, if it stares me down everyday, maybe I'll eventually want to get on the thing.
Probably not.
But, at least my motives are well intended.

My 31 Flavors (and then some...)

Many years ago, one of my best friends posted something on Myspace (that should give you a clue just how long ago it was) that really sat deep with me. What she did was post a list of all of the traits that she was looking for in a man. At that time, the term "man" was loosely defined by us girls, but the point of all of this is that it has stuck with me all of this time what she did. Now, while I don't remember her specific wants in a man, I DO remember how it was just for HER. It wasn't about making anyone else happy, and more than anything, it was to help remind her what it was that she TRULY wanted. I also remember it was a time soon after she broke up with some douchebag, so it probably served as a reminder to her that he wasn't really what she was looking for- even though she was hurting over him at the time.

Here goes my list.

I want a man that's at least 5'10". He will have an appreciation for my Greek culture and heritage. He will respect the Greek Orthodox Church, and agree to raise our children there. He will be kind to others. He will respect me. He will respect my family. He will be affectionate, but not overly affectionate in public. He'll be able to hold a conversation with my dad. He'll enjoy his career path. He will love dogs. He'll support my passion to occassionally foster dogs in need. He'll be close with his family. He'll be able to comunicate with me. He'll make a LOT of money. He'll love the water, and support my "need" for a boat. He will understand that being Greek/a product of my father's genes, means that I will be extremely dramatic (at times), and any fight can be settled over a good pastichio and a shot of ouzo. He'll share my passion for food. He'll encourage me to cook. When we vacation, there will be an entire mapped course- for restaurants. He'll understand that I'm not the best housekeeper. He'll understand that the budget for groceries will ALWAYS be exceeded....always. He'll enjoy sports, but they won't be all-consuming. He'll be great with technology. He'll be able to fix a broken toilet. City living won't be for him. He'll understand that when I go to my "therapist", I'm really going to Macy's. He'll have an appreciation for luxury bedding. He'll be ok that when I get $200 in gift cards to Victoria's Secret for Christmas, I will always spend it on their sweats. He'll understand what it means to truly be hurt, but he won't be bitter. He'll love music...especially the Beatles. If something goes wrong with my car, he'll take care of it. He will be able to buy me a gift without me having to picking it out. He will appreciate my mom's eccentricity. He will watch reruns of Seinfeld- and laugh. He will have my best interest at heart. He will have the ability to apologize. He will make me laugh. He will encourage me. He will be able to have fun with my friends. My friends will like him. He will be trustworthy. He will enjoy wine- not just cheap beer. He will trust my judgment in buying his clothes. He will like my taste in decor. He won't take a shit with the bathroom door wide open. It will take him less than 30 minutes to get ready for any event. He'll accompany me on trips to Atlanta to see my sister- and get my hair done. He'll know the difference between "your" and "you're", and will always use the right one. He will never use "ur" instead of the previous pronunciation. Most of all, he will be my best friend.

All Good Things Come To An End

So, after 10 weeks of spending many blissful moments with Asian Persuasion, we ended things yesterday. It was done in a classy way- at the Rafferty's bar. Yep. You guessed it....I chose another "winner".

After he gave me a key to his house, told me he loved me, wanted to plan a vacation together for December, discussed moving in together, and had me double up on all of my things to keep at his house, so I could be comfortable there and stay as much as possible- he tells me he's "just not sure what he wants". So, of course, my strong-willed, independent, bitch came out and said "let me make this REAL easy for you, asshole".

Men are ridiculous. I have no idea why someone would put you through all of that. Why after spending 4 years single, would they wrap you around their finger, allow you to truly trust them, only to end it in the Rafferty's BAR, and never even a mention before that, that anything was wrong. That's what I get for dating a 27 year old.

So, here I am. Back at square 1. Back to the drawing board.
I don't understand men, and I'm not sure I ever will. The lack of care, respect, and communication from the majority of men that I have met is unbelievable! As you can tell, I'm still angry- not so much at him- more at myself. The ability to trust someone so easily, and actually believe that I had met someone who cared about me enough to put me above the little things in life. I know that all things happen for a reason, and all of those BS things people say to you in times like these- but, how am I supposed to ever really trust someone after these experiences?

The most stable man in my life has been my 6 year old Yellow Labrador Retriever. He sleeps next to me every night, doesn't care what I cook for dinner, and never complains about the house being dirty. Although, his love affair with tennis balls has gotten a little out of control, so we'll need to work on his commitment issues. Lucky for me, I've got an amazing therapist...

Getting To Know Your Character

The TV series, Sex and the City, first appeared on television in 1998. I watched my first episode when I was a freshman in college (2002) thanks to 2 of my best friends and a handful of heartbreaks for the two of them. I was 19, and in a blissful relationship that would come to be known as husband numero uno, and I had absolutely NO clue what Carrie Bradshaw was talking about, or the experiences that Samantha Jones went through. I had had one other boyfriend before meeting my husband, and what I knew about love was relatively naive, and beautiful. Watching Sex and the City was an addiction for many girls my age- but for me, it was purely for entertainment purposes. The closest I could relate to any of the characters was Charlotte's determination to get married and have babies, and live a "perfect" life. As is the case for most 19 year olds, what I had expected out of life then, was not the same thing that I expected at 25. I would presume that I will not expect the same things at 30 as I did at 25...time will tell.

I came home from a long day at work the other night, changed straight into my sweats, got into bed, curled up with my dogs, and turned on the TV- Sex and the City was on. It had been a full day of storms and tornadic activity for us in the south, and I had spent most of my day at a different one of our offices interviewing for a promotion. I had kept a smile on my face all day until I turned on the TV and heard the familiar sound of the Sex and the City opening music. I hadn't watched the show in a long time, and a FLOOD of emotion came over me! Why?!? Most likely becuase I was PMSing, but, even today I am still trying to decypher why it effected me like it did.

I think when I watch that show now at 27 years old, as opposed to 19, I actually CAN relate to all of the characters. I get how Carrie jumps from one relationship to another, all-along clinging to the most unhealthy relationships of them all. I get how Samantha wants to live a wildly thrilling life, and instead of committing to one man, just have a little taste of them all. I get how Maranda is driven, and puts her career first, and mostly thrives off of the relationships with her friends. And Charlotte, sweet Charlotte....as much as I related to her at 19, I just haven't had that in me over the past 4 years. I'm slowly but surely seeing more and more of her in me, but whereas I use to solely relate to her, I am now more diversified. I think as I've entered into my late 20's, I've began to have more of a well-rounded view of all of those characters. Obviously, I am my own person, and I could never relate solely to one of the girls in the show, but I GET them all now. At 19, they were a mere fragment of what I knew about life and love, and could easily watch a whole season in one evening with my best friends, a few cosmo's, and some super MSG-charged chinese food. And now, at 27, I find myself weeping over the situations that are depicted in the show because once you walk your own path of self discovery, you KNOW you will never
JUST
be
Charlotte.

Seeing Red

I did something tonight that just might make me slightly crazy.
For those of you that know me- I'm sure you're thinking, "Oh Laawwd, what has she done now?!" But, it was truly amazing.

Valentine's Day is coming up, and all I’ve seen since New Year’s is a bunch of little red hearts plastered all over the Walgreen’s aisles, candies packaged in pink, red, and white, and the most annoying Jewelry store commercials...I can tell you from experience, that every kiss does NOT begin with Kay, and if the only way you can get that warm tingly feeling inside is to scream “He got it at Jared”…obviously, my batteries work better than yours.

I've planned a single's night out for my friends on Monday, so we can go out, and help get our minds off of the fact that no one is coming home to us with a corny card, those terrible tasting hearts with sayings on them, and a shit eating grin- which, undeniably would end in a tango in the sheets. I am still ridiculously excited to spend the evening with a group of friends that are near and dear to my heart. And although I don’t have a man to call my “own”, I have plenty of love from the dearest of friends, and I know I am a very lucky girl.

So, ok, ok- back to the thing that makes me crazy...

Tonight, I booked a hotel for myself. Had dinner by myself. Turned off my cell phone, tuned out work emails, painted my fingernails, washed off my makeup, and did absolutely nothing. I sprawled out in bed watching Thursday night TV, ignoring all outside distractions, and treating myself to quite possibly, the best Valentine's Day, ever. Being in a hotel room reminded me of the days when I use to travel frequently for work- only in this instance, my feet and legs weren’t about to fall off from complete exhaustion, and I was allowed to unwind to a few glasses of wine (worked for a Christian Co. that didn’t allow drinking) and a Jersey Mike’s sub. I ate in bed, in my pajama’s- not caring that I didn’t put deodorant on, or that my hair was in complete disarray. I know I don’t have kids, or a husband- but, I still have a ton of responsibilities at home, and being able to tune EVERYTHING out for one night was complete bliss. I can’t imagine what mom’s and dad’s must go through. I highly encourage you to take a night out for yourself when you can. Do nothing! It feels fabulous.

This Valentine’s Day, I’m not going to be sad for the things that I don’t have. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that companionship lies far beyond a 2c diamond ring. I know that love comes to me in the form of the dinners that my brother cooks for me, the nudges that my dogs give me, the encouragement from my mom and dad, and the amazing good times with my friends. Do something for those you love, and those that are close to you on Monday, even if you are single! Xoxo

3 - 3

Have you ever had a feeling that God must be playing a really big joke on you? Like at any minute, Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out and yell "Punk'd!" at you?? I felt like that tonight.
For the second day in a row, I have had a second date....with the same person. We enjoyed ourselves AGAIN so much tonight, that a third date is planned tomorrow- 3 days in a row.
Now, in all honesty- this comes as a huge shock to me. Earlier this week I was crying to my mom over a possible root canal, and the ever-looming feeling that I'm never going to get married (again) and have children. Next minute, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights are all full with my new found internet boyfriend! I have spent a lot of time with this guy, considering it's only been around 48 hours since I met him....and we've talked about everything from music to religion to addressing some of the skeletons in our closets. It's been- amazing! I can't remember the last time a guy got underneath my skin this way, and it's hard not to be so skeptical of the whole thing. I'm waiting (and if I'm honest with myself, I'm *hoping*) for him to show his true colors, become a complete lunatic, and get taken away in handcuffs any minute! He has been entirely too nice to me- and how sad is it that I give him looks like he MUST be growing a 3rd eye, each time he gives me a compliment???
In my experience, most (not all) men are very good at putting up a quick front- but I'm able to see through them. Usually they divert their attention to the football game that's on the TV- but this guy listens attentively, makes me feel like I'm beautiful (inside and out), he is considerate of my wants, has very good communication skills, and is a cultured man of the world.
Tonight, he kissed me. And for the very first time, in a long time, I got that excited feeling deep in my stomach- which I usually reserve for Ruth's Chris dinners. But, this guy makes me crave a lot more than food!
To be continued...

Holiday Recap, So To Speak

I haven't written in a while. Part of that has been due to the busy holiday season, and part of it has been due to an internal struggle with having an actual "blog", and writing about intricate details pertaining to my life. While a lot of it is entertaining...certainly, some of it can be disheartening, and even hurtful to those that I don't actually mean to hurt. With that said, the underlying truth is that I have daily topics that run through my head that scream "that would make a great blog!". So, here I am, returning to what helps shine a light into my personal life.

The whirlwind internet dating is over. I will take a much needed break, and when I'm feeling JUST empty enough inside again, I will probably sign my soul over, and give it another attempt. It wasn't successful for me at all- but, I can say that I did make 1 long lasting friendship out of it, which is enough for me.

I did attempt to date a 48 year old Greek guy (whom I met at church), but it was a COMPLETE disaster, and partially made me hate myself for ending it by being such a mean bitch. He and I were night and day...I don't know what I was thinking....it had to be his Greek genes that kept me intrigued for a full month- and seeing him slave over the gyro grill at the Greek Festival certainly didn't hurt, but it ended quickly after he served me lentil soup and salad for dinner one night (ahem, a GERIATRIC dinner!). He was EXTREMELY religious, which at first I found sexy, but I think the final straw for him was learning that I would (gasp!) share a room with guys that are friends on an upcoming vacation. It's funny to me now though....God, I'm an idiot for idiot men!

I have recently been having strange dreams...and men from my past, whom I will never talk with again, have been popping up. No matter how bad they were to me, I always end up with underlying guilt that we're not "cool" with each other. There are very few of those men in my life...and if we're not on speaking terms it's for good reason, but still- it does bother me deep down and has been making random appearances in my dreams. That is definitely a guilty trait that I inherited from my mother. My mom would feel guilty if someone else chopped off HER arm.

2010 is coming to an end, and I am ready to say "sianara, sucka!" I will be lucky enough to ring in the New Year with some girlfriends in New Orleans, LA. I wish everyone the best for 2011! May the New Year bring you much happiness, lots of love, and a fresh wardrobe complete with Manolo Blahniks.

Change of Heart

It was a Friday morning, and I could think of a million places I would rather be than right where I was at that moment. I was sitting in a Project Costing session, learning all about how to work with our finance team and a new version of our budgets. It was being held in a small room in the building's basement, big enough to hold around 50 people seated at tables, and illuminated by flourescent lights. The overhead made a constant, dull, murmur that was just loud enough for my mind to escape and let my thoughts wonder for a bit.

The first logical thought was, "are my peers really into what our speakers are telling us?!" I mean, come on...it's Friday, and we're learning about BUDGETS? No one in their right mind holds a meeting on Friday in our company, because most people check out Thursday afternoon, and return with a half-way lucid thought process Tuesday morning. Fridays are reserved for the mundane paperwork that each person dreads doing throughout their typical work week, but can do with their eyes closed. I am definitely one of those people.

As I felt my eyes get heavy, and my internal energy switch to its lowest gear, I quietly allowed myself to wonder into a "closed" place in my heart. A place where love once roamed freely and a place where pain was short lived. A place where happiness abound, and grossly outweighed sadness. I thought back to falling in love and how wonderful that feeling was. I remembered the days when bitterness was something I could only label on divorcees and not come close to understanding the term on my own. I remembered how easy it was. How sporadic, and how momentarily lovely it all was. At one time, love flowed freely through my heart, body, and soul, and invigorated all aspects of my life. It was in that instant, in the small, basement room with fluorescent lighting, that I decided I could...no, I WANTED to love again.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love." ~Mother Teresa

Vanilla Bean

There are, I believe, 2 types of people in this world.
There are people who appreciate a variety when it comes to food, and then you have people who prefer consistency when it comes to food.

I, obviously, fall into the first category. I know that even as a child I loved trying new restaurants, new dishes, and always had a desire to please my taste buds in a way that only a new, exotic taste would fulfill.

Over my (almost) 27 years here on earth, I have met a wide variety of people. Many of these people fall into the same category as me- enjoying new savory and mouthwatering adventures with their taste buds. I have also been surprised by the amount of people that I have come across who want absolutely nothing to do with my adventures into Indian, Japanese, or Vietnamese food. I use to regard these people as quite difficult, and rather annoying. I even coined the nickname "Vanilla Bean" for a dear friend, who simply wants nothing to do with trying new foods. For many years I have been perplexed at the unwillingness of some people to just TRY something new. I was married to someone with the "Vanilla Bean" mentality, which completely drove me insane! We would go to dinner, and there I would be- almost having an orgasm over a chocolate fondue with caramel (no nuts), and he would barely pick at the food, looking rather uninterested, which would always end with me being disappointed that I could not share one of the things that I am most passionate about with the person that I most loved.

To be honest, picky people tend to annoy the shit out of me. However, I have many friends who profess the "Vanilla Bean" mentality, and recently, I happened upon a discussion regarding this very topic with one of them. I met this guy through one of my recent dating escapades, and although I found myself wildly attracted to him, I ended up talking myself down from the ledge when I found out that he eats the same. thing. every. day.
*Bummer*
He tends to find it hilarious that I freak out over his eating habits, so he will occasionally indulge some of his recent menu information to me. The most recent was 37 continual lunch trips to the exact same restaurant, ordering the exact same meal- with variety being thrown in on Fridays (ordering a different type of meat on the same sandwich).
What
the
fuck?!
I almost literally had a meltdown for this poor guy, but when we got to talking about it, a light bulb went off in my head.
*This guy CRAVES consistency*

I don't know his entire life story, but what I do know about him, makes sense why he is this way. Many of the picky eaters in my life have had one, two, or several traumatizing events in their lives. I also think that in some particular cases, picky eaters have emerged due to the attention that they received in their early years of pickiness.

I will also mention, that picky eaters are also some of the most loyal and best friends I could ask for. Most likely due to the fact that they find the things in life that they love, and stick with it- religiously.

In my case, I love variety. I usually embrace change, and I have no problem welcoming new and improved things into my life. This is fun when it comes to food, however, can be damaging when it comes to relationships. I'm always looking for something better....scouring the earth for the thing that looks, tastes, and feels the best. The here and now isn't good enough, and so I continue on a search for the best. My very loved picky eaters, tend to find themselves more content in the here and the now, and don't worry so much about what they might have missed out on, or what new things may come their way.

In this recent discovery, I have a new appreciation for my "vanilla beans". They are a constant light in my life, and I wouldn't change them for the world.
I hope to be just as good of a friend to them and not portray the fickle side of me that so often wants to make an appearance.

Now, on to my curry dinner! :)

Venus and Mars

I love the feeling that I get when listening to The Beatles.

It's a feeling that brings about my youth, my father, and an overall contentment with life that has been relatively distant these days. I've had a hard time writing at all, because I've felt so negative, but when I listen to John, Paul, George, and Ringo- suddenly, "All the Lonely People" put me at ease. I have had a string of bad luck events lately, and I am down and out on this whole dating scene....it's not my thing, and no one wants to "Hold My Hand" or just "Let It Be". I'm so over it. I didn't think it would be this hard! The online dating thing has severely wounded my self-confidence. I know it works for some people, but it's just too strange for me. I tend to fall in love with my best friend....and these internet guys have no history in my life. I don't know if I can trust them, if I want to trust them, or if it's worth my time to invest in someone that's just-nice-enough-but-not-quite-cute-enough-and-doesn't-have-a-job-and-is-25-years-my-senior. **Dear God, please make me stop freaking out about my 27th birthday approaching, and I'm still single and childless.**


I wish we all lived in a "Yellow Submarine". That sounds like a nice place. It's similar to when I get mad, or fed up with the American way of life and I say, "Screw this shit hole, I'm moving to Greece!" But then, I'm quickly reminded that Greece isn't really up to speed on technology, or ice cubes, or air conditioning....HOWEVER, they don't work like slaves, they have AMAZING food, and who couldn't be happy just sitting around looking at what engulfs them?! Greece is a beautiful country, but they are suffering greatly right now. I pray many times that they won't have to sell their debt to a place like China....*sigh*...


Now, before I go getting all political on you....rest assured, it's a "Good Day, Sunshine".


On a much more personal note, I am having issues with sleeping. My sleep is constantly interrupted by some strong brute-which whom, by the way, I'm having sex with! It's great, because in your dreams there is no reason to worry about such debauchery! This man seems to be of Swedish decent, he's a body builder, and he has tattoos....it's everything that I've never had, and I don't get where this *man* has come from, but I'm starting to believe in invisible (boy)friends...he "Don't Let Me Down", which is in and of itself a pretty fantastic feat- EVEN IF he IS made up! After describing this to my best friend and therapist, she told me that our dreams are usually fragments from our day that form into a deep rooted thought. Soooooooo, in other words, I pretty much sit around and think about porking all day long, while it’s not happening for me, and everyone around me IS porking- so I just get to dream about porking with some fictional douchebag, probably named “Ty”. Meanwhile, I am feeling like Tiger Woods on a bad ecstasy trip locked away in a monastery.


Speaking of monastery….


Today my priest spoke of "being a farmer of your own heart". I thought it was interesting- especially considering how much my heart has hurt lately. What he said was so right...couldn't be more right. We have to work on our hearts- much like a crop. Pull the weeds; keep it clear of rocks and other harmful things. And we must plant patience, truth, obedience, discipline...above all things though, we must plant LOVE. Thank you Father for speaking those words to me today. I need more of my own love planted in my heart...for without my love to fertilize, no one elses love will be able to sustain the terrain.


In the great words of my favorite musicians...."All You Need Is Love"


Thank you, dad, for introducing me to The Beatles and giving me their amazing melodies to brighten my days.

Mangy

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you really questioned what in the hell you could possibly be doing SO wrong to make the tide have turned against you in such a fierce manner??

I have recently been slammed back-to-back with some incidents that were predominantly beyond my control, and made me almost lose it. A few weeks ago, I rear-ended an SUV in a sudden downpour which almost totaled my car. 2 days after getting my car repaired, I backed out of my garage to go to work, and the garage door came down onto my rear windshield and busted it. Let me add that in-between all of this mess, I had contracted food poisoning, my sister and I had a terrible fight, I went on a 2 day work trip to Missouri- one of which took 5 hours to drive, 2 of those hours were spent on back roads in BFE surrounded by the smell of cow manure and no civilized place to stop and pee- I worked a 16 hour day only to be called a "secretary", and I topped it all off with a $500 electric bill. One would think this was enough for such a short time frame (2.5 weeks), and then on my way home from work yesterday, my car started making really strange sounds. I looked at my temperature gauge (this is one of those things your dad teaches you to do, and 10 years later, it comes in handy) and my car was HOT. Damnit.
I pulled over on the side of the interstate and called my mechanic (also happens to be one of my best friends' husband) and he very graciously towed my car and fixed the hose that was leaky. I wanted to break down and cry tears of complete exhaustion, but then my debit card was rejected for $30 at the gas station. At this point, it didn't even phase me because I felt like everything just seemed to be going wrong. The gas station lady was nice and let me write a check, but I was humiliated. I knew I had the money in the bank, but it was obvious that she thought I was one second away from selling organically grown pot brownies to the neighborhood kids for quick change.

My car was fixed, and I headed home. I felt a sense of defeat, and I wondered why God would be testing me so rigorously right now. I also kept trying to remind myself that things could be SO much worse. Thankfully, everything that has occurred has not injured me (except my feelings and my bank account) or anyone else, and I am very grateful for that. People around me have sick kids, sick dogs, sick parents....and I am reminded to be thankful for these crappy things because it could be so much worse. I got home and poured a glass of wine, and just tried to make sense of all of the bad stuff.

I have also had some really terrible dates lately, and the whole online dating thing is really wearing me out. I met a Greek guy recently, which got my blood flowing for about 10 minutes....until I found out he was 50. Yep, 5-0. I have a thing for the oldies, but it made me slightly uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of having sex with someone who could EASILY be my dad, and who truly is just a couple of years younger than my dad. It freaked me out, and I haven't talked to him since.

It's Friday night, and although I had a couple of gentleman callers, I decided to stay in and hang out with...myself. I gave myself a mani/pedi, researched some stuff online, watched "Say Yes to the Dress", and rescued a dog with the worst demodex mange I have ever seen. He is being taken care of by a rescue group now for treatment, and I can't wait to hear his story. I am surrounded by 5 dogs here at in my home that are all pleasantly knocked out- Lord, please don't let them wake me up at 5:30am with a wrestling match on my bed! And, I am happy as can be. I sometimes wonder if I am meant to be a single, crazy dog lady for the rest of my life. For now, the answer is yes, but if my car continues to operate for the next few weeks, I'm sure my mindset will change.

Cynically Devout Love Seeker

I am finally into month 2 of my 3 month online dating stint. I gave myself 3 months because the 50% off coupon was only valid for that time period, and I was pretty convinced that this would be a relatively easy process. Boy, was I wrong. I have a huge mix of emotions when it comes to my experiences thus far. I have been on dates with 5 different guys, and I don't have a bad thing to say about any of them. 1 of them, in fact, will most likely be a long-term friend and sounding board for many topics. The others....well, they were all nice, but there has to be more than "nice", right??? I long for the date when you both show up, look lovingly into each other’s eyes, and decide that you never want to leave without that person! "Calling Ms. K to the psych ward", I know...

As much of a cynic as I am when it comes to men, there IS a passion for love and relationship deep within my soul. One of my favorite things about the Orthodox Church is the value that they place on love, and being loved. It is truly one of the best gifts that God gave us, and I know I would be missing out to never have that again in my life. So, I search for "it"...like a lost kid who wonders if anyone will TRULY ever love me for the person that I have become- through the hurt, the shame, the tears, and the resounding independence that I seem to sprout more and more of everyday. Independence is a great thing, but I find myself often thinking how much a man would disrupt my lovely way of life. Obviously this feeling is the lesser of my options, because I continue to search for the "one"...like Neo and Trinity.

Eventually, I'm sure that time will win, and when I'm least expecting it- I will be slapped in the face by my future forever lover (at least, this is what my mom tells me). Right now, I am going to continue to forward the hilarious matches that I receive daily, and share them with my friends.

Signing out-
Cynically Devout Love Seeker

And for your entertainment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FefWp_4B0k

Happiness

Happiness has recently come to me in all kinds of forms. Here is my short list:

Successfully potty training the foster dog, "Chi Chi"

Having my house cleaned- by someone else

Hiking

Cooking for family and friends

My relationship with my parents

Renewing my commitment to the Orthodox Church


When I think about the things that make me happy, it all boils down to a few stability factors: emotional stability, physical stability, mental stability, and spiritual stability. With the exception of the money that I spent on having my house cleaned, none of the above things require money to be happy. And, the only reason I paid someone to clean my house is to have more time to spend with the people that I love and enjoy being around, so I don't consider that materialistic. Plus, having a clean house has been great for my sanity!

I topped off the end of August by throwing a party for my high school girlfriends and their moms. I cooked a traditional Greek cuisine and honestly had an amazing time. Having friends and family all combined in the same house, sitting at the same table, eating the same food, is something that fills my heart with contentment. I think it's the feeling of love, respect, admiration, and fulfillment that each of us brought to the table that night, and it excites me to have lifelong friends who I KNOW will always be by my side. Each of us girls come from such different backgrounds, have been through such different things, and we've all ended up in different places in life- but, ultimately, we all love and respect each other. It's nice to have that comradery.

Starting the month of September was a refresher for me. I felt a great weight being lifted- and not being haunted by the d-day month of August, is a nice thing. September makes me happy...the cooler weather, the warm colors, and the thought of the holiday season brings a sense of calm to my heart,

As I look at my life, and where I am today, I know that happiness comes from within. It comes from the place when my mom texts me with "I love you so much", it comes from the place when I get to see my best friends kids play soccer, it comes from the place when the foster dog sleeps as close to me as possible- when just months earlier he was scared of any human contact. Happiness is just a word, but that word holds the context of which every day should be observed.

Only Time Will Tell

Online dating has to be one of the most ridiculous things we can do as single human beings. I am in the process of a 3 month long stint with online dating, so I fall into this category of "ridiculous single human beings". Many of you probably already know this, but online dating really allows you to flaunt all of the good things about yourself. "I'm good at this", "I work hard at that", "I like this", "I have this and that"...nowhere, not on ONE profile (of the 96 matches that have been sent to me) does it state how bad someone is at something- anything! There is no place on the profile to state your flaws, no where does it ask you about what you can't do, where you fail in relationships...ultimately, the reason why we're all stuck in the online dating world in the first place! So you meet someone, and you immediately have a nice, tidy picture of the other person. Things appear quite nice on the profile.

I will admit that even my profile is filled with the things that have come to annoy me most about everyone else's. I am very quick to talk about all of the positive things in my life- and on the surface- there really isn't much of a reason for anyone NOT to like me....unless, they don't like brunette's. I also continue to be surprised with UGLINESS! I'm not talking just plain looking, ordinary Joe's...I'm talking FUGLY! I've had one guy sent to me sitting on a stool in a Christmas sweater, holding a tuba as if it were his prized possession. I know- some of you are thinking "that HAS to be a joke", but I can assure you, it wasn't a joke. This guy had picture after picture of him and his tuba and it made me reminisce "This one time, at band camp....". Then, there was the guy with red hair, red rimmed glasses, and a maroon suit. Again, not a joke. I could go on and on, but I will spare you. By this time, you get the picture.

So, I've had a couple of dates, had some fun conversation, and enough nerves to rattle a snake. Is it worth it? According to my online dating website, everyday 542 people marry from meeting right there. *542*!!! That's enough to make even ME skeptical about my own skepticism. Hmmm....

What I fear: having a surge in dates and only meeting more jerk-offs and becoming even more cynical towards men. After 1 failed marriage and a couple of really bad broken relationships, I can tell you that I have enough cynicism towards men to almost munch the carpet. But rather than destroy all of my heterosexual hopes and dreams, I am going to carry on with my 3 month term in the online dating world. I know that I have a lot to offer, and maybe somewhere, somehow, someone will see through all of the bullshit on my profile, and settle for a real human being.

It's funny, because even after my experience thus far, I still wake up excited every morning that maybe...just MAYBE, today will be the day that the online dating gods are in favor of creating a 1/542 chance for me. As my mom frequently reminds me, "Only time will tell".