Nerds, Gays, and Marriage- Oh my!

I was still laying in bed for the 2nd day in a row with a sour stomach and unwashed hair. Honestly, I wanted to blame the whole thing on a horrible case of PMS, but my sensible half knew that was only the beginning of my problems. It was August 1st, and along with the symptoms of bloating, tiredness, frumpiness, cravings, and self-loathing, I had a fresh, steaming pile of guilt to top it all off.

When I was a kid, I was pretty damn awesome. I grew up in a small town with a lot of regular people, and did my best to set myself apart. For starters, I was the only Greek girl in town (besides my sister), and I let everyone know it. Parents of my friends told them I was going to burn in hell because I wasn't "saved", and others pretended to be intrigued- all along placing me right into the burning pits with the Catholics- which in my mind wasn't such a bad place to be- but in small town Tennessee, no one knows anything about Catholicism except for the Catholics, and it was practically the same as throwing me in with the Muslims. To be honest, it was one of the only things that set me apart from the rest of my friends, so I used it to my advantage. I liked being different- even if their mom's were convinced that I would one day take a hike to the dark side. I always had a tan, grew enormous boobs by the age of 10, and had a mouth like a sailor by the age of 12.
Ok, so the boobs probably weren't an attributing factor to being Greek, but who am I to decide these things.
I played every sport a girl was allowed to play and was voted as Student Council President every year- until my Senior year- which I graduated early and wasn't eligible. I was lucky enough to play a part in a few of the Homecoming and Cominghome celebrations, and I'm pretty sure I only got voted into these spots because my parents taught me to be kind to EVERYONE...gays, blacks, Indians, and nerds. I had a lot of nerdy friends, and I am pretty sure that it was due to the nerds "pull" that I got voted in for anything. I wasn't necessarily "in" with the popular crowd, but I wasn't completely excluded either. I had a large group of diverse friends....well, as diverse as this little town could produce.

Somewhere between 18 and 26, I made a lot happen. Graduated from college with my bachelor's at 21, married my HS sweetheart, divorced my HS sweetheart, traveled to Europe, and I've held 2 great jobs.

August 1st was upon me, and it felt as if doomsday had rolled into town. I don't like to acknowledge this month for 2 reasons:
1.) July is hot enough, then August rolls around like hell on wheels and throws us for a REAL loop- reaching into the low 100's with a 200% humidity factor.
2.) This was also the month that I married my best friend of 4 years. This was the month that set my whole world apart. This was the month I made a BIG mistake.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to get married, have a beautiful wedding, and have lots of babies. In my mind, they were specifically Greek babies, because my father was always convinced that his kids would all marry Greeks. Yeah right, Dad. Raise your family in Chicago, and this could have been a reality- not in a southern town with a bunch of Baptist's running around! Haha...so, of course, in spite of my father, I married one of those Baptist's. We had the beautiful wedding that I always dreamed of- and still, to this day, it remains one of the best days of my life. Of course, everything that follows is a whirlwind of tribulations that are best left between the divorcee's. And it was right, smack dab in the middle of August. Hottest day of the year.

Every year when August rolls around, I think to myself..."How did all of that happen so quickly?". In just a blink of an eye my marriage ended and I often wonder what made it so easy to give up. This is probably part of the reason why I am such a disaster when it comes to dating. I don't trust myself, or the man that is presented to me. I see them mostly as worms- a parasite that will eat away at my life if I let it.

So, what happened to the girl that was so eager to get involved and be everyone's friend? I know that along each of our journey's in life, we learn and we grow. I have learned a lot from my past, and I do continue to grow, but the more I learn about people, the more I close myself off to any potential partner and opt for the closest chocolate bar in site. Hey, I will put that pilates dvd in later. Yeah right.

"My name is Christina, and I am an emotional eater."

So, behind the additional 30lbs that I have put on since HS, I am still the same girl with that same sense to be a crowd pleaser, and make the most out of my life with amazing people by my side. I still prefer the nerds, because they are more trustworthy and have more to offer in a conversation than the latest news on Lindsay Lohan. I also have a strong connection to the gays and the blacks, which I'm pretty sure I have been both in previous lives.

I realize more now, at 26 1/2, that I AM a strong, independent, trustworthy, go-getting woman. At 18 these are things you aspire to be, but until you live a little and break through your own shame, your own guilt, and your own chains of life- you will never fully recognize your own potential.

"I am woman. Hear me roar!"

Yeah right. For today, I will pick the pieces up and continue to move down the path of breaking free of my own chains that I have wrapped myself in. I have a great life, with a great family, and beautiful friends- but, my life has its imperfections. Which, my imperfections get to be shoved in my face every time I look at a calendar (God, I can't wait for September 1st). For the time being, I will avoid writing checks and placing any ebay ads which confine me to a day and a time. I'm going to freeball this month, and see where it takes me. I hope I'm not still lying in bed by August 31st. If so, someone please call an asylum to come pick me up.