Day 5 - Hell and Back

Let me just start by saying, I really don't endorse this diet. I most likely wouldn't recommend it to you. It makes you crazy. And if you're a woman who still gets your "cycle", OMG- stay away from this. BAD cravings, headaches, nausea, and exhaustion were some of the big things that I had to deal with. Ultimately, I went home early from work yesterday and slept like I hadn't ever slept before. Luckily, I feel much better today, and haven't struggled much with feeling desperate. If you DO decide to do the HCG diet- I STRONGLY recommend you do it with someone else. I have a good friend who started the diet on the same day (who is also an expert at this diet), and a co-worker who started about a week before me. It's really important that you have someone to ask about all of the crazy side effects and symptoms that your body will go through from sugar withdrawals! It's also nice to talk to someone who feels your pain, and isn't posting the latest picture of their cheesecake dessert on Facebook.

Some of the good things thus far:

I haven't had any acid reflux, nor have I taken my prescription medicine for acid reflux. That's a HUGE accomplishment for my body. For the past 6 months I've struggled with acid reflux SO bad, there were times when I couldn't function. I've been to doctor after doctor, and had a lot of tests done. They found nothing. I knew it had to have a relation to what I was eating and the weight I had gained (I just wasn't ready to change it). With this diet, you don't put much into your body, so there's not much waste or anything to set your system on "fire". Through all of the pain that I've been through on this diet, that's one additional problem I'm glad I don't have to deal with. It also makes me happy to eliminate that medicine from my daily routine. I've learned that our bodies really don't "need" doughnuts and pizza to survive the hard times- sometimes a good cry on your man's shoulder does a world of good.....thanks, Joe. :)

Another thing that seems to be happening with this diet- without me INTENDING it to happen- our relationship is actually growing due to NOT eating- weird, huh? I didn't originally peg Joe to be SO supportive of this crazy idea- I thought he would sit quietly with his opinion to himself (as he usually does when I do something crazy), but he has gotten so on-board with me, it's really making us GROW as a couple. He isn't doing the HCG diet, but he's basically following pretty close to what I'm eating- cutting out the majority of his carbs, sweets, and alcohol- just eating MORE of the good stuff. He's lost 7lbs, I've lost 11lbs....in 5 days! 18lbs combined- that's pretty cool (I think). He's a lot stronger than I am when it comes to this whole delaying gratification thing. As proud as I am of myself, I'm proud of him, and I'm especially proud of us. We're cheering each other on, and helping to support the goal at hand. If 2 of the worlds biggest "foodies" can do this, ANYONE can do this.

I've been on this diet for 1 solid week (Day 5 of Phase II), and I have 2 more weeks to go. I feel much more stable today to say that I am prepared to meet this goal!

Day 4. Meltdown.

Yesterday, Day #4 on the HCG diet was HARD. My day started at 5:30am, and I got home around 8:30pm. I actually had some progress yesterday- feeling pretty good from about 10am (after eating 60 calories worth of strawberries) until around 4:00pm. I did lose 2lbs, so I began to have the desire to make it to 10lbs, which was reached today! :) Joe says he can see a difference, but I can't really. When I lay down though, my stomach does feel more flat- that's been a while!
I wore my "fat pants" yesterday, and they were a little big- exciting! However, today I wore a smaller size, and I'm still not quite there yet. My next goal is 20lbs...hopefully by the end of week 2.

Joe has lost 5lbs! He's cut back drastically on his carbs, and eating mostly what I'm eating- just more of it. We've both cut out drinking, which is pretty extreme for both of us, but I think we're both just tired of feeling like crap. I'm really proud of him, and thankful everyday for his continued support of this crazy diet.

I am not sure if it's my hormones, the lack of food, or just the overall feeling of misery that brought me to my breaking point last night, but I just wasn't able to hold it together. Today I'm puffy-eyed and feel tired, but I'm really happy to have come this far. It's just day 5, but I think I'm growing a little stronger everyday. My social life is at a stand still (sorry friends), but it's doing me a world of good to build my own strength without relying on a few glasses of wine and a pizza. Not to say I won't ever have those things again, because that would just make me miserable, but I just have to make better decisions and not do it so OFTEN.

Thanks again to all of you who have given me support during this time- it's changing this fat girls' life!

Day 3. My apologies.

February 14th. Valentine's Day. My own personal day from hell.
And not for the reason that it has been in the past. My neighbor at work even got *2* (yeah, not *1*, but *2*) bouquets of roses, and I actually just enjoyed the aroma- as compared to years prior- I would have just been pissed off that someone didn't love me as much. (Note to self, flowers are not a good indicator of another's love.)

I enjoyed her flowers, and thought of all the girls that would probably feel that sting this year- as I have so many years previous. Honestly, the best Valentine's Day I ever remember was when my "Dad" (most likely my mom) sent a rose and a balloon to school with "I love you, Dad" on the card. It felt good to know that I was loved and cared about, and just THOUGHT about on that stupid day. It really is a ridiculous day, but instead of trying to convince myself of that this year, I actually BELIEVED it.
"The love you get, is equal to the love you give." -Beatles

As for the diet, I must apologize to my friends and family for how horrible this is. It's definitely me at my worst. This girl is just REALLY struggling! It's amazing how much support I have- that feels good and recharges me each time any one of you reach out to me. I can not be social, which goes against all of my "butterflyness", I feel hungry, I feel stressed, I feel all-consumed by this diet....I just keep telling myself it WILL pass. I had a few moments today where I felt pretty good (the first hour after lunch), and a few things came across my plate that actually made me laugh today. Here's one of them.

I had a couple of nay-sayers today. Not that I can really blame them. One of them being my over-the-top-dramatics-and-arms-flailing-father. I understand the concern from most of you who say this diet isn't healthy, and there are much better (easier) ways to do this. I hear you, and I believe you. Unfortunately, I've come to that little fork in the road that is somewhere between desperate and enormous- and for me....for now, this IS working. And it's not just something I picked up overnight. It's something that takes an enormous amount of research, work, and commitment. The bottom line is, this is THE hardest thing I've ever done. Similar to an addict going through rehab, I'm just taking this one day at a time. I succesfully completed Day #3, and right now I'm just praying for Day #4.

My food for the day:

Lunch, which consisted of 150 calories of grilled chicken, cooked only with lemon juice and garlic and a few herbs. Cucumber (and a couple of bites of tomato) salad with a homemade vinaigarette (40 calories).

And an apple for a snack.

Dinner consisted of 6oz of Cod (150 calories), grilled on the Foreman with lemon, garlic, and herbs (put into lettuce wrap "tacos"), and 8 stalks of asparagus (40 calories). Dessert was an apple. Again.

In the first 2 days, I lost 6lbs. I'm hoping for good numbers again tomorrow. It would be really great to lose 10lbs in the first week. I think if I do that, I will continue to stay motivated. Again....I hope this gets easier.

I will leave you with Valentine's Day kisses

Day 2. What Have I Done?

Day 2 started out pretty good- I lost 3 pounds on the first day. That was exciting!
Yeah- that's where the excitement stopped.

I honestly don't remember a time this trying. I remember struggling quite a bit through Economics, but even then, I just cheated on my tests because my soon to be husband was a smarty-pants (God forgive me). I remember how hard it was struggling to find my way through my marriage (obviously, we took the easy way out). And, then there was that time I "dated" a married guy (who told me he was going through a divorce). Yeah, those things were HARD. But, why did I make the decision to get MYSELF into those situations, only to learn the very, very, VERY hard way that I was only cheating myself to begin with.

Why haven't I learned that lesson yet? Why didn't I take the "easier" route and make healthy decisions over the past few years on what I ate? Why didn't I go to the gym 3 days/week? Why haven't I counted my calories up until this point?! Ugh, this diet is HORRIBLE. I really don't know how to describe it, but my most common feeling today was anger! I was angry at the fatty's eating their Girl Scout cookies and cheeseburgers. I was angry at the cafeteria for cooking and serving food to the general public. I was especially angry at the person (who wasn't even at their desk today) who had a HUGE bag of peanut butter filled pretzels on her desk- just STARING at me. When I went to warm up my 190 calorie lunch (oh, and a 60 calorie apple), one guy was heating up a HUGE bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. I wanted to punch that guy in his face.
I hope I contained my emotions, but I can't be too sure.

I'm still maintaining that I am going to get through this. 21 more days to go.

What a Loser

Crazy, crazy, CRAZY diet has started!
My oh my....so, I've gotten fat. Not like, "whoops, I look a little chubby in that picture" fat, but like, "HOLY SHIT, these don't fit anymore, and I'm out of breath walking up these stairs" fat. Granted, I've had 2 back surgeries, and that has greatly limited some of the things that I can do- but I am severely disappointed with myself. I've always been able to pull myself together and look pretty good- for most situations. But, lately, I don't EVER feel pretty. In all actuality, the last time I felt "pretty" was on my first date with Joe....that was at the beginning of June.

On the upside, Joe and I have shared some pretty awesome months together. I've officially moved in with him, and I really couldn't be any more happy. We both share an INSANE love of food, and he can cook better than my momma. I love to eat anything he makes....a little too much! And Joe grew up in an extremely southern household- so when he cooks, a meal never consists of less than 1500 calories! Haha. I actually don't ever care how many calories are in his meals because they are SO good! He could easily open a restaurant and blow everyone's taste buds away. I love that about him.

That reminds me. A few months back, I wrote about "31 Flavors"....I recently read that blog post and had tears realizing that God has actually given me someone who meets ALMOST all of those criteria. That makes me ridiculously happy.

Ok, ok...back to the diet plan. So, I've decided to do the "HCG" diet. If you don't know what it is, you can Google it. There's a lot of rules, and a lot of restrictions, but the gist of the diet is: take HCG hormone 3x/day, eat exactly 500 calories/day (food is very restrictive- not just any 500 calories), no exercise, no alcohol, and lots and lots of water (or tea or coffee- PLAIN). You can't use any lotions, and need to wear mineral makeup. I'm telling you- it's crazy. But here's the thing....it WORKS. And, I have no control when it comes to just eating "healthy" and "exercising". So I'm going extreme for 23 days.

Today was day #1, and honestly, I don't like it. But, I have THE most amazing man by my side who is encouraging me, and even eating the diet food (just a lot more of it, lol). There are not many guys out there who would do this. Most will say it's crazy, and unhealthy. But, being fat is unhealthy, people! Here's what I ate today:
AM: Green tea and lots of water
Lunch: 150 calories of chicken and 40 calories of asparagus (grilled on the foreman with McCormick's Garlic and Herb seasoning) -btw, you can't use ANY oils or butter on this diet
Mid-afternoon "snack": small apple 60 calories
Dinner: 150 calories of extra-lean ground beef, and 40 calories of broccoli
Dessert: 60 calories of strawberries
....ao there you have it, 500 calories. Yeah, it sucks. But then again, so does being a fatty.

I'm also using this time as a fast for my soul. It's not taking place during Lent, but I'm using it as a cleansing period- body, mind, and soul.

My first goal is to lose 30lbs in the next 23 days. I'll keep you posted....

Somewhere in the Middle

It's been a while since I've written anything- and a lot of that is purposefully. As most stories start...."So, I met this guy...", and most stories have a middle..."things are going great, I'm so in-love!", and ALL stories have an end. In my perpetual downfall of intimate relationships, it usually goes like this, "what a cock-sucking asshole, he can rot in hell!" And that is that!

I've gone round and round in this type of vicious cycle for so long- but, then I was thrust right into the sweet, loving arms of my boyfriend of about ----waaaaait for iiiit---- *2 months*. So, you see, it's hard to write about this- because we're in that "middle" part- we're currently designing our own story for our particular ending. All you have to know is that things are pretty amazing. Amazing because he cooks, amazing because he works hard, loves his job, amazing because he has completely embraced my dogs as his own, amazing because he embraces my friends
, and amazing because he's absolutely embraced me into every aspect of his life. I feel like I'm part of a team that has such a bigger, better purpose than just me on my own.

So, we're on the way....to something. Right now we're sitting at that infamous fork- do we go left, do we go right, or do we go straight ahead?! I can't predict the future, but with time, I do know that everything will work out just fine!

Deep Fried, Powdered Sugar Dinner

Have you ever eaten beignets for dinner?
No?
I have.

I've eaten them after a long beach vacation. And yes, I had spent the prior week in a bathing suit, feeling really bad about myself.

I came home from vacation right at dinner time, and after looking through the pantry, and the refrigerator, coming up empty handed- I eyeballed the box of Cafe DuMonde beignet mix.

Sure, I had spent the last 4 days on the beach, consuming a liquid caloric intake waaaaaay past the recommended daily maximum, but I needed to eat dinner. And, I had no milk to throw together macaroni & cheese and tuna fish (which is always my last resort, emergency dinner- thanks, Mom), so beignet's it was.

And it was magnificently delicious.

On a side note, I had my brother move the treadmill into my room this afternoon.

My theory is, if it stares me down everyday, maybe I'll eventually want to get on the thing.
Probably not.
But, at least my motives are well intended.

My 31 Flavors (and then some...)

Many years ago, one of my best friends posted something on Myspace (that should give you a clue just how long ago it was) that really sat deep with me. What she did was post a list of all of the traits that she was looking for in a man. At that time, the term "man" was loosely defined by us girls, but the point of all of this is that it has stuck with me all of this time what she did. Now, while I don't remember her specific wants in a man, I DO remember how it was just for HER. It wasn't about making anyone else happy, and more than anything, it was to help remind her what it was that she TRULY wanted. I also remember it was a time soon after she broke up with some douchebag, so it probably served as a reminder to her that he wasn't really what she was looking for- even though she was hurting over him at the time.

Here goes my list.

I want a man that's at least 5'10". He will have an appreciation for my Greek culture and heritage. He will respect the Greek Orthodox Church, and agree to raise our children there. He will be kind to others. He will respect me. He will respect my family. He will be affectionate, but not overly affectionate in public. He'll be able to hold a conversation with my dad. He'll enjoy his career path. He will love dogs. He'll support my passion to occassionally foster dogs in need. He'll be close with his family. He'll be able to comunicate with me. He'll make a LOT of money. He'll love the water, and support my "need" for a boat. He will understand that being Greek/a product of my father's genes, means that I will be extremely dramatic (at times), and any fight can be settled over a good pastichio and a shot of ouzo. He'll share my passion for food. He'll encourage me to cook. When we vacation, there will be an entire mapped course- for restaurants. He'll understand that I'm not the best housekeeper. He'll understand that the budget for groceries will ALWAYS be exceeded....always. He'll enjoy sports, but they won't be all-consuming. He'll be great with technology. He'll be able to fix a broken toilet. City living won't be for him. He'll understand that when I go to my "therapist", I'm really going to Macy's. He'll have an appreciation for luxury bedding. He'll be ok that when I get $200 in gift cards to Victoria's Secret for Christmas, I will always spend it on their sweats. He'll understand what it means to truly be hurt, but he won't be bitter. He'll love music...especially the Beatles. If something goes wrong with my car, he'll take care of it. He will be able to buy me a gift without me having to picking it out. He will appreciate my mom's eccentricity. He will watch reruns of Seinfeld- and laugh. He will have my best interest at heart. He will have the ability to apologize. He will make me laugh. He will encourage me. He will be able to have fun with my friends. My friends will like him. He will be trustworthy. He will enjoy wine- not just cheap beer. He will trust my judgment in buying his clothes. He will like my taste in decor. He won't take a shit with the bathroom door wide open. It will take him less than 30 minutes to get ready for any event. He'll accompany me on trips to Atlanta to see my sister- and get my hair done. He'll know the difference between "your" and "you're", and will always use the right one. He will never use "ur" instead of the previous pronunciation. Most of all, he will be my best friend.

All Good Things Come To An End

So, after 10 weeks of spending many blissful moments with Asian Persuasion, we ended things yesterday. It was done in a classy way- at the Rafferty's bar. Yep. You guessed it....I chose another "winner".

After he gave me a key to his house, told me he loved me, wanted to plan a vacation together for December, discussed moving in together, and had me double up on all of my things to keep at his house, so I could be comfortable there and stay as much as possible- he tells me he's "just not sure what he wants". So, of course, my strong-willed, independent, bitch came out and said "let me make this REAL easy for you, asshole".

Men are ridiculous. I have no idea why someone would put you through all of that. Why after spending 4 years single, would they wrap you around their finger, allow you to truly trust them, only to end it in the Rafferty's BAR, and never even a mention before that, that anything was wrong. That's what I get for dating a 27 year old.

So, here I am. Back at square 1. Back to the drawing board.
I don't understand men, and I'm not sure I ever will. The lack of care, respect, and communication from the majority of men that I have met is unbelievable! As you can tell, I'm still angry- not so much at him- more at myself. The ability to trust someone so easily, and actually believe that I had met someone who cared about me enough to put me above the little things in life. I know that all things happen for a reason, and all of those BS things people say to you in times like these- but, how am I supposed to ever really trust someone after these experiences?

The most stable man in my life has been my 6 year old Yellow Labrador Retriever. He sleeps next to me every night, doesn't care what I cook for dinner, and never complains about the house being dirty. Although, his love affair with tennis balls has gotten a little out of control, so we'll need to work on his commitment issues. Lucky for me, I've got an amazing therapist...

Getting To Know Your Character

The TV series, Sex and the City, first appeared on television in 1998. I watched my first episode when I was a freshman in college (2002) thanks to 2 of my best friends and a handful of heartbreaks for the two of them. I was 19, and in a blissful relationship that would come to be known as husband numero uno, and I had absolutely NO clue what Carrie Bradshaw was talking about, or the experiences that Samantha Jones went through. I had had one other boyfriend before meeting my husband, and what I knew about love was relatively naive, and beautiful. Watching Sex and the City was an addiction for many girls my age- but for me, it was purely for entertainment purposes. The closest I could relate to any of the characters was Charlotte's determination to get married and have babies, and live a "perfect" life. As is the case for most 19 year olds, what I had expected out of life then, was not the same thing that I expected at 25. I would presume that I will not expect the same things at 30 as I did at 25...time will tell.

I came home from a long day at work the other night, changed straight into my sweats, got into bed, curled up with my dogs, and turned on the TV- Sex and the City was on. It had been a full day of storms and tornadic activity for us in the south, and I had spent most of my day at a different one of our offices interviewing for a promotion. I had kept a smile on my face all day until I turned on the TV and heard the familiar sound of the Sex and the City opening music. I hadn't watched the show in a long time, and a FLOOD of emotion came over me! Why?!? Most likely becuase I was PMSing, but, even today I am still trying to decypher why it effected me like it did.

I think when I watch that show now at 27 years old, as opposed to 19, I actually CAN relate to all of the characters. I get how Carrie jumps from one relationship to another, all-along clinging to the most unhealthy relationships of them all. I get how Samantha wants to live a wildly thrilling life, and instead of committing to one man, just have a little taste of them all. I get how Maranda is driven, and puts her career first, and mostly thrives off of the relationships with her friends. And Charlotte, sweet Charlotte....as much as I related to her at 19, I just haven't had that in me over the past 4 years. I'm slowly but surely seeing more and more of her in me, but whereas I use to solely relate to her, I am now more diversified. I think as I've entered into my late 20's, I've began to have more of a well-rounded view of all of those characters. Obviously, I am my own person, and I could never relate solely to one of the girls in the show, but I GET them all now. At 19, they were a mere fragment of what I knew about life and love, and could easily watch a whole season in one evening with my best friends, a few cosmo's, and some super MSG-charged chinese food. And now, at 27, I find myself weeping over the situations that are depicted in the show because once you walk your own path of self discovery, you KNOW you will never
JUST
be
Charlotte.