I love the feeling that I get when listening to The Beatles.
It's a feeling that brings about my youth, my father, and an overall contentment with life that has been relatively distant these days. I've had a hard time writing at all, because I've felt so negative, but when I listen to John, Paul, George, and Ringo- suddenly, "All the Lonely People" put me at ease. I have had a string of bad luck events lately, and I am down and out on this whole dating scene....it's not my thing, and no one wants to "Hold My Hand" or just "Let It Be". I'm so over it. I didn't think it would be this hard! The online dating thing has severely wounded my self-confidence. I know it works for some people, but it's just too strange for me. I tend to fall in love with my best friend....and these internet guys have no history in my life. I don't know if I can trust them, if I want to trust them, or if it's worth my time to invest in someone that's just-nice-enough-but-not-quite-cute-enough-and-doesn't-have-a-job-and-is-25-years-my-senior. **Dear God, please make me stop freaking out about my 27th birthday approaching, and I'm still single and childless.**
I wish we all lived in a "Yellow Submarine". That sounds like a nice place. It's similar to when I get mad, or fed up with the American way of life and I say, "Screw this shit hole, I'm moving to Greece!" But then, I'm quickly reminded that Greece isn't really up to speed on technology, or ice cubes, or air conditioning....HOWEVER, they don't work like slaves, they have AMAZING food, and who couldn't be happy just sitting around looking at what engulfs them?! Greece is a beautiful country, but they are suffering greatly right now. I pray many times that they won't have to sell their debt to a place like China....*sigh*...
Now, before I go getting all political on you....rest assured, it's a "Good Day, Sunshine".
On a much more personal note, I am having issues with sleeping. My sleep is constantly interrupted by some strong brute-which whom, by the way, I'm having sex with! It's great, because in your dreams there is no reason to worry about such debauchery! This man seems to be of Swedish decent, he's a body builder, and he has tattoos....it's everything that I've never had, and I don't get where this *man* has come from, but I'm starting to believe in invisible (boy)friends...he "Don't Let Me Down", which is in and of itself a pretty fantastic feat- EVEN IF he IS made up! After describing this to my best friend and therapist, she told me that our dreams are usually fragments from our day that form into a deep rooted thought. Soooooooo, in other words, I pretty much sit around and think about porking all day long, while it’s not happening for me, and everyone around me IS porking- so I just get to dream about porking with some fictional douchebag, probably named “Ty”. Meanwhile, I am feeling like Tiger Woods on a bad ecstasy trip locked away in a monastery.
Speaking of monastery….
Today my priest spoke of "being a farmer of your own heart". I thought it was interesting- especially considering how much my heart has hurt lately. What he said was so right...couldn't be more right. We have to work on our hearts- much like a crop. Pull the weeds; keep it clear of rocks and other harmful things. And we must plant patience, truth, obedience, discipline...above all things though, we must plant LOVE. Thank you Father for speaking those words to me today. I need more of my own love planted in my heart...for without my love to fertilize, no one elses love will be able to sustain the terrain.
In the great words of my favorite musicians...."All You Need Is Love"
Thank you, dad, for introducing me to The Beatles and giving me their amazing melodies to brighten my days.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Mangy
Have you ever had a moment in your life when you really questioned what in the hell you could possibly be doing SO wrong to make the tide have turned against you in such a fierce manner??
I have recently been slammed back-to-back with some incidents that were predominantly beyond my control, and made me almost lose it. A few weeks ago, I rear-ended an SUV in a sudden downpour which almost totaled my car. 2 days after getting my car repaired, I backed out of my garage to go to work, and the garage door came down onto my rear windshield and busted it. Let me add that in-between all of this mess, I had contracted food poisoning, my sister and I had a terrible fight, I went on a 2 day work trip to Missouri- one of which took 5 hours to drive, 2 of those hours were spent on back roads in BFE surrounded by the smell of cow manure and no civilized place to stop and pee- I worked a 16 hour day only to be called a "secretary", and I topped it all off with a $500 electric bill. One would think this was enough for such a short time frame (2.5 weeks), and then on my way home from work yesterday, my car started making really strange sounds. I looked at my temperature gauge (this is one of those things your dad teaches you to do, and 10 years later, it comes in handy) and my car was HOT. Damnit.
I pulled over on the side of the interstate and called my mechanic (also happens to be one of my best friends' husband) and he very graciously towed my car and fixed the hose that was leaky. I wanted to break down and cry tears of complete exhaustion, but then my debit card was rejected for $30 at the gas station. At this point, it didn't even phase me because I felt like everything just seemed to be going wrong. The gas station lady was nice and let me write a check, but I was humiliated. I knew I had the money in the bank, but it was obvious that she thought I was one second away from selling organically grown pot brownies to the neighborhood kids for quick change.
My car was fixed, and I headed home. I felt a sense of defeat, and I wondered why God would be testing me so rigorously right now. I also kept trying to remind myself that things could be SO much worse. Thankfully, everything that has occurred has not injured me (except my feelings and my bank account) or anyone else, and I am very grateful for that. People around me have sick kids, sick dogs, sick parents....and I am reminded to be thankful for these crappy things because it could be so much worse. I got home and poured a glass of wine, and just tried to make sense of all of the bad stuff.
I have also had some really terrible dates lately, and the whole online dating thing is really wearing me out. I met a Greek guy recently, which got my blood flowing for about 10 minutes....until I found out he was 50. Yep, 5-0. I have a thing for the oldies, but it made me slightly uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of having sex with someone who could EASILY be my dad, and who truly is just a couple of years younger than my dad. It freaked me out, and I haven't talked to him since.
It's Friday night, and although I had a couple of gentleman callers, I decided to stay in and hang out with...myself. I gave myself a mani/pedi, researched some stuff online, watched "Say Yes to the Dress", and rescued a dog with the worst demodex mange I have ever seen. He is being taken care of by a rescue group now for treatment, and I can't wait to hear his story. I am surrounded by 5 dogs here at in my home that are all pleasantly knocked out- Lord, please don't let them wake me up at 5:30am with a wrestling match on my bed! And, I am happy as can be. I sometimes wonder if I am meant to be a single, crazy dog lady for the rest of my life. For now, the answer is yes, but if my car continues to operate for the next few weeks, I'm sure my mindset will change.
I have recently been slammed back-to-back with some incidents that were predominantly beyond my control, and made me almost lose it. A few weeks ago, I rear-ended an SUV in a sudden downpour which almost totaled my car. 2 days after getting my car repaired, I backed out of my garage to go to work, and the garage door came down onto my rear windshield and busted it. Let me add that in-between all of this mess, I had contracted food poisoning, my sister and I had a terrible fight, I went on a 2 day work trip to Missouri- one of which took 5 hours to drive, 2 of those hours were spent on back roads in BFE surrounded by the smell of cow manure and no civilized place to stop and pee- I worked a 16 hour day only to be called a "secretary", and I topped it all off with a $500 electric bill. One would think this was enough for such a short time frame (2.5 weeks), and then on my way home from work yesterday, my car started making really strange sounds. I looked at my temperature gauge (this is one of those things your dad teaches you to do, and 10 years later, it comes in handy) and my car was HOT. Damnit.
I pulled over on the side of the interstate and called my mechanic (also happens to be one of my best friends' husband) and he very graciously towed my car and fixed the hose that was leaky. I wanted to break down and cry tears of complete exhaustion, but then my debit card was rejected for $30 at the gas station. At this point, it didn't even phase me because I felt like everything just seemed to be going wrong. The gas station lady was nice and let me write a check, but I was humiliated. I knew I had the money in the bank, but it was obvious that she thought I was one second away from selling organically grown pot brownies to the neighborhood kids for quick change.
My car was fixed, and I headed home. I felt a sense of defeat, and I wondered why God would be testing me so rigorously right now. I also kept trying to remind myself that things could be SO much worse. Thankfully, everything that has occurred has not injured me (except my feelings and my bank account) or anyone else, and I am very grateful for that. People around me have sick kids, sick dogs, sick parents....and I am reminded to be thankful for these crappy things because it could be so much worse. I got home and poured a glass of wine, and just tried to make sense of all of the bad stuff.
I have also had some really terrible dates lately, and the whole online dating thing is really wearing me out. I met a Greek guy recently, which got my blood flowing for about 10 minutes....until I found out he was 50. Yep, 5-0. I have a thing for the oldies, but it made me slightly uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of having sex with someone who could EASILY be my dad, and who truly is just a couple of years younger than my dad. It freaked me out, and I haven't talked to him since.
It's Friday night, and although I had a couple of gentleman callers, I decided to stay in and hang out with...myself. I gave myself a mani/pedi, researched some stuff online, watched "Say Yes to the Dress", and rescued a dog with the worst demodex mange I have ever seen. He is being taken care of by a rescue group now for treatment, and I can't wait to hear his story. I am surrounded by 5 dogs here at in my home that are all pleasantly knocked out- Lord, please don't let them wake me up at 5:30am with a wrestling match on my bed! And, I am happy as can be. I sometimes wonder if I am meant to be a single, crazy dog lady for the rest of my life. For now, the answer is yes, but if my car continues to operate for the next few weeks, I'm sure my mindset will change.
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